THE THING ABOUT “I LOVE YOU”

We've heard it on many lips. These three words have the power to make you feel elated or downright dumb. It's been the headlines for most romantic movies and music, driving us insane to a world of fantasy filled with faint glimpses of reality which at the end of the day could be nothing short of a mirage.

These words have been spoken in moments of intense passion, be it temporal or permanent. This love phrase seems to have the antidote to melt a heart of steel like a candle wax, especially if one has been longing to hear the words. Unfulfilled promises are made with these words, virtues are lost by the mere mention of this phrase, hearts are twisted and tricked, and souls are renewed and shattered. This shows the potency of this magical love phrase “I love you.”

IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT SEX

Contrary to the general belief that most married men engage in extra-marital affairs for sex, some married men said this is not actually true. "It's not all about the sex" said a male BBM contact of mine. "Sex could be a driving force but it's not what really leads the men astray." Majority of married women out there believe that sex is the main driving force that leads their husbands away from them. Well, it’s more than the sex.

Here are a few things that could make a man stray outside his marital home.

When attraction becomes distraction

Getting attracted to someone other than your partner is not a big deal but how you handle that attraction is.
It's common to feel attracted to the new girl in the office or to your boss, it's natural. We deal with attractions daily in our lives and often times it's not based on physical appearance alone, it could be character or intelligence or other qualities.
Managing this attraction outside your relationship is a big issue for some couples. Attractions could lead to distractions which could lead to affairs and this may eventually ruin your relationship.

WHY AM I STILL UNMARRIED

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 I  published the  article below on ThisDay newspaper two Sundays ago, 16th Sept, 2012 to be precise, and I want to share it here. The single status of young successful ladies out there is becoming worrisome each passing day. In fact, some men make jest of single ladies, claiming that their choosy nature has led them to their single status. Is it really true? Is a lady's decision to marry her dream man an obstacle to her marital status? I'm sure you've heard some comedians make fun of ladies whose choices  men decline as they grow older.  Do you agree with this? Are we really meant to be humble and let any man waltz into our life just because we don't want to be called an old maid? 

And to the men out there, seriously,  don't you want to settle down ? Is this social plight just a woman's problem or are the men also not afraid that they might become an old gent? 

Here is an excerpt of my published arrticle on ThisDay newspaper. Let me know what you think about it and how we can help address the single staus of our sisters out there. Me inclusive(winks)...

Stella was in her early thirties and still unmarried. A shrewd entrepreneur, Stella lived a very comfortable life. Living in a three bedroom flat with her mum and siblings at one of the suburbs in Lagos, she was the ideal breadwinner any family could look up to. She catered for her family like a father would since hers passed away when she was still a teenager.

WHEN A GOOD MAN CHEATS

Every woman wants a man who will treat her right; it is like a dream come true. Someone who will always be there for her when she needs him, do all the housechores, give her the upper hand in an argument and all that mushy mushy stuffs that makes her simultaneously wobbly and powerful. Unfortunately, such men are hard to find. One will think if a woman should find such man, that she would hold him dear to her heart but the reverse seems to be the case in some occasions. A good man in a woman’s world is a man that has good moral standards, treat her like a queen and succumb to her wishes or demands without argument.
While in a man's world, such men may be seen as jerks or losers or even weak. Like for real, who does that? Why be in servitude to a woman's whiny tantrums when you are supposed to be in charge. You have to prove that you are a man by being the one in control. You dictate when things happen, not her.

THE OTHER LOVER...

Every woman's nightmare in a relationship is to find out that she is sharing her man with another woman. That there is another lover in the scene. The other woman, the one who gets all the love and trust. The one who he runs to in times of need. The one whose bed he prefers instead of yours.

It's heartbreaking to say the least. No one want to share her man. We all want to occupy the centre stage in his heart, we want to be his spotlight not some other woman or some damsel in distress.

But when such happens, what do you do? Do you go ranting and threatening the other lover? Do you just sit quietly and accept your fate? Or do you walk out of the relationship in annoyance?

While it is quicker to pick up your cell phone and dial her number, it is better to think properly about the situation before you take any actions.
Sadly, most women think confronting the other woman would solve the problem. But the result of this action don't necessarily yield the desired results. Some confrontations may not be verbal abuse, some could come in forms of threatening messages to the other lover but the endpoint is
what matters.

Confronting the other lover does not help you keep your relationship. You could choose to be nice to him to win back his love or you could be down right nasty and make him see that you are not some toy he could play with.
You never can tell a man's response concerning your confrontation with his lover. He might think you went overboard and you may end up losing your relationship instead of saving it.
While he may want to pacify you by giving you all sorts of reasons why he strayed, there is a high percentage that he would return to his lover and
make a fool of you. Thus, still giving her the upper hand. If the confrontation happened in his
presence, he might decide to dump you right at the spot.

Before you confront the other lover, here are some things you need to consider:

1. You might want to re-evaluate yourself. What's your position in the relationship? Are you just passive or active in the relationship? Are you the type that doesn't really pay attention to the needs of her man? Do you take him for granted? Do you indirectly push him outside with your constant nagging? Do you value his opinions on personal matters? Do you give him a listening ear or a running mouth?

These questions will not only help you in re-defining yourself in the relationship but will also help you analyse the situation better. If you are not guilty of any of this, then consider the following step...


2. How well do you know your man? Is he the type who gets bored easily? Does he really appreciate you like he professed? Is he really serious with you or you are just one time thing for him? Is he really committed in the relationship? Does he really enjoy your company or pretends he does? Does he really talk to you about his problems? Is he quick to meet up with your needs but shut you out from reaching out to him? Is he flexible or rigid in his actions and decisions? Is he financially stable? Does he meet up with your financial needs? Does he really respect you?

Knowing the type of man you are dating gives you an insight on the type of woman he might want to hang out with.

3. Your level of communication with your man also matters. Communication is very important in relationships and occurs at every level. Be it on the first date or last date, knowing how to communicate with your lover very well helps you to understand him more. Thus, you can easily tell when he is seeing someone else. While some men are experts in having discreet affairs, so also are the women in unravelling the secret codes.

A woman might be blinded at first but with time, she will pick up the signals and act on it. She either freaks out or play dumb just to beat you at your own game. Depending on the level of communication you have with your spouse, it is possible he might confide his relational problems to his lover instead and this gives the other lover an edge over you.

4. You might also want to find out what kind of relationship your man has with this other woman. Is it just platonic or sexual? Often times, women misinterprete their spouse's relationship with the opposite sex. Thus it is important you find out what kind of relationship your man has with this lady. How often do they communicate?

Now don't do the mistake of calling her on the phone, cursing and threatening. This step should be avoided because you might end up embarrassing yourself especially if she knows more about you than you know about her. If your man discusses relational problems with her, you will really have to come up with more than just the 'B' and 'C' words.

5. Now that you know there is another woman in the spotlight, confront your man. Yes, let him know you know about it. There is no use in dying in silence. Let him know that you are hurt by his actions. But you have to be careful while treading on this path. There is no need of you denying him sex or meals simply because you found out about his affair. This will only create more distance between both of you. So why don't you just have a matured discussion with him. Let him know how you feel. If you still want to make things work, then let him know. Let him know that you demand his respect in the relationship.

Now, remember communication is a two way thing, ensure that you also hear him out. Try to find out what led to his actions, (that is, if he can be honest with that). Settle your differences and work it out if possible.
Cheating is inevitable in relationships. If he is not cheating on you sexually, he is emotionally. But I don't think it should end a relationship. I believe there should be a second chance, there should be room for improvement.

Truth is, no one likes to be in a relationship with an unfaithful lover, but these things happen. And when it does, you just have two options: take a walk or make it work. It's your choice, your life, your happiness that is at stake here. Instead of stalking or having cat fights with his lover, why not re-evaluate your relationship and see if the man you are hitting your head on the brick for is worth it. Protecting your territory through confrontations won't keep the bees away. The main work is in your relationship.

Are first love really hard to die????

When the popular Nigerian pop music star, 2face Idibia proposed to his long time girlfriend, the Nollywood actress, Annie Macaulay on Valentine’s day, it aroused mixed feelings from the public as the two has been known to be in an on and off kind of relationship, especially with the notoriety that accompanies 2face's love life. We all know how devastated Annie was when she learnt about her hubby’s libertine nature when they were still dating back in the days but she really didn’t give a damn as the two tied knots on the first week of this month. This came on the heels of one of his baby mamas, Pero Adeniyi delivery of the 6th child of the pop crooner. So why didn't he pop the question to her since he obviously went for round 2? Is it a matter of first love to Annie or what? Why Annie of all the women he has dated?

With his kind of lifestyle, 2face can have any woman of his choice because he got everything a woman needs apart from his poor eloquence in English language. But that didn't deter women to flock around him, not just any woman but classy chics.

I'm still trying to understand why Annie could just accept to marry him knowing his full history of women. Does she trust him that much? Is it a devotion of first love or she just wants to be in the limelight? (We all know women could be crazy at times).

And I’m sure she is still reveling in her glory as the winner of the marital contest between her and other women who had tried to get hitched with the raving pop star.(Annie smiley face: ”I told ya, he is mine”)

Personal thoughts: The popular saying “true love never dies” in my own field of thoughts is long overrated. To some, this expression still means a whole lot to them. This could be true if what you shared with your first love was phenomenal, or maybe the tricks of your first kiss was too magical to forget, or the innocence of that first pure love. If you had any of these, then no doubt, you will always long for your first love. But if the reverse is the case and you were abused emotionally or disrespected, then that expression would be found in the thrash can (I’m speaking for myself oh cos Annie didn’t care about 2face promiscuity)

Trust me, I can’t even imagine me and my first love together… ok, you can tell I’m lying right now because I still do carry a torch for my first love.(I hope he doesn’t read this and my boyfriend shouldn’t take this personal). It’s crazy I know but we all fall victims to this. My first love and 2face share the same professional qualifications in promiscuity. Blame their heart wrenching handsome looks. I always fall for the ladies man; think cupid has a hand in it. But experience had taught me that they are the most troubled among the species of men because of their high demand in the women’s market. And this always makes them more confused and more promiscuous.
Nevertheless, if my first love should walk up to me and ask for my hand in marriage I will say no, because I know he will always stray. Well, all men stray at one point or the other. I may have fallen for his good looks and all that back then but I don’t think that will work for me now. Why you may ask? Because of time and experience.

Time has healed the pain I felt when I found out I wasn’t the only lady in his life. Seriously, no woman want to be the second best even if when they know that there are other women in the picture (obviously, 2face's baby mamas didn’t give a damn).

Thank God I walked away because I have been opportuned to meet better people.
You know the tricky thing about first love is that when they are breaking up with you, you feel you would be helpless without them, you feel your world is going to crumble and life ain’t nothing anymore. And all that is true because it’s hard to let go of that special someone who made you feel like you are the best thing that ever happened in their lives (or you were deceiving yourself that you were). First loves are great but when they become assholes, you just have to let go and move on because there is no law that says you must end up with them.

Moving on gives you the experience to make a better decision in your relationships. Though, it is a wrong thing to do if you keep comparing any new date to your first love or passing quick judgments based on your experience with your first love. What I mean here is that your ability to move on gives you the opportunity to experience something new and probably better. It helps you grow emotionally too and you never can tell, you may be the one to call it quits when you feel you are going through the same phase again. Just be wise about it though.

But if you want to end up like Annie who is blooming in her marital bliss, then have a sticker that reads "first love never dies; I still love you Amy" on your chest. I'm sure they will get the message.
I'm crossing my fingers on the duration of their marriage. Won't be surprised if I hear another baby crying "daddy 2face" very soon and definitely not from his wife.

SORRY HONEY, I'M NOT IN THE MOOD...

There is nothing as annoying or frustrating as being given a showdown when you are all geared up to give fireworks. It is excruciatingly  awful to watch your partner turn down your hard rock penis with blood pumping through its veins, ready for some good action. Likewise, it is embarassing to being pushed away or watch a flaccid penis work uninterestingly in your lubricated vagina which suddenly goes dry as a result of lack of interest or arousal.This is a common problem being encountered by couples in the bedroom. Coming home from work expectant of a good bout of sex from your partner or staying home, anticipating a fantastic and erotic love making from your partner could all go sour if your partner is not up to it. This usually lead to problems in your relationship.

 Some people go the extra mile of creating the right scenario, make countless efforts to make him or her give in to your sexual plea, yet no bulging, all you get is the occasional hiss, shoving or " Ooh darling, I'm not in the mood." You become perplexed, you begin to wonder if you had lost your mojo or sex appeal. Don't sweat it, the problem lies in your communication skills and level of understanding you have with your partner.

Good communication is an integral part of a long lasting relationship. Sadly, most couples believe that good communication encompasses just the knowledge of the basic habits, likes and interests of their partner and does not include the sex life of their partner. Even in a global world like ours, most people find it hard to discuss their sex life. This has made it impossible for couples to understand their partner's sexual mood or libido. One's partner lack of interest in sex could be as a result of the following:

TIREDNESS OR DEPRESSION: Coming home late from work could stress one out to think of or initiate sex, so also depression. When your partner is tired or depressed, the only exciting image in their head is the lovely bed where they will rest and shove the stress and problems of the day away. If you are a very sensitive person, you will easily notice the signs and realise that the best gift you can give to your partner at that moment is a gentle squeeze on the shoulders or a massage,  serve him/her dinner, a warm shower and a cuddle. Before you say jack, he or she is already warming up to you. However, if a person is highly depressed, the best option is either to talk, let him/her be or seek therapy.

INCOMPATIBLE LIBIDO: Libido or sex drive varies from one individual to the other. There is no standard libido for any individual. Some have high sex drive while others have low sex drive. For those whose libido is on the high side, sex is never tiring and such demand for it more often from their partner. If the partner does not understand his/her sex drive, he/she may feel abused sexually or just partake in the act without reaching orgasm. The problem becomes apparent as each partner feels cheated. The partner with the high libido feels his/her partner is sexually insufficient while the partner with the low libido feels enslaved to the ravenous sexual appetite of his/her partner. The solution to this is understanding your partner sex drive. While one may think having a partner with the same level of sex drive with you, it is also advisable to know how one can optimize sexual gratification from a partner with a low sex drive. It doesn't always have to be sex.

Foreplay is a good act of lovemaking that can bring one to a pleasurable orgasm, even better than sex. Find out what pleases your partner, their fantasies, their sexual mood, their turn-ons and turn-offs and any other important piece of detail about their sex life. Knowing these details will help you and your partner to have blossom sex life without all the bedroom drama.

LOSS OF SEX APPEAL: There comes a time in your relationship when you feel sexually unattracted to your partner. This may stem up from over-familiarity with your spouse or hypoactive sexual desire(HSD). The latter is common among women who are approaching their menopause or highly depressed. It is characterised by a complete non-desire for sex despite the efforts of the partner to create the right sexual mood to arouse them. This could be a great problem for both partners if help is not immediately sought. On the other hand, one can easily get tired or bored from the same sex routine, it's like there is nothing new in the bedroom and you just want a change, something unusual, spicy, electrifying, skyrocketing. Just cool it down. There is no harm in having such fantasies as long as you are ready to talk to your partner about it. The real harm is when you keep silent about it and look the other way, hoping that some magical Eros or Aphrodite will sweep you off your feet to a land of multiple whooping orgasms. The earlier you tell your partner you want to add colour to your sex life, the higher the chance of making your fantasy a reality.

INFIDELITY: If your partner is getting good sex outside than what you are offering him/her, he/she is bound to give you "I'm not in the mood" attitude. In this case, you have to re-evaluate your sex life with your partner. Have you denied him sex lately? Have you stopped making yourself sexually attractive to your partner? Have you been caught up with other aspects of your life and pay less attention to his/her sexual demands? Any of these could make your partner look elsewhere. Some of us get too relaxed when we are in a stable relationship. We delude ourselves that things will always be or stay the same. We stop taking care of our looks, health and others. This ought not to be so because there are thousands of single men and women who desperately wants to be hooked with someone and if you don't know how to keep your man, they will gladly take him away from you.

Maybe you were not fat when you guys first met or you always want to try something new in the bedroom or stroll to his workplace surprisingly for a quickie, or you dress so seductively that it is impossible for him not to have a hard -on. But now, you don't do any of that anymore. This is the time to have a re-think. Nothing hurt like knowing that your man or woman is getting good sex from someone else other than you, especially when you know you could do better. In order to revive your sex life, you have to get back in the groove. Make yourself absolutely irresistible and this can be effectively implemented when he is in the company of other people. By the time he/she notices how others are flirting with you, they will definitely crawl back to you and take back their position. It mustn't end in the public show, take it to the bedroom, show him/her skills he/she never knew you possess in the bedroom. Literally blow his/her mind away, that way, he will never give you the "I'm not in the mood attitude".

SEX AS GRATIFICATION: To some couples, engaging in a sexual act is more of gratification than an expression of love. It is like a bargaining chip to get something from your spouse. Maybe if he cleans up the dishes, empty the thrash cans, get you a lovely present, then will you feel obliged to give him some steamy sex. Sometimes, sex could be seen as a mere marital obligation. Let's just have sex cos I'm your wife. This is absolutely not what sex is all about. It is the most physical and spiritual means of showing affection to someone you love. When we have sex, it is like we are seeking to physically unite or merge into another human being, to become one with the one you love. You don't have to wait till he gets you a pleasant gift or give you permission to carry out your hidden agenda or help out with the housechores, have sex because you love him, care for him, you want to belong to him.

Sex is not a sin. Only when you abuse it, it becomes one. It is the most wonderful gift God gave to man. Not just for procreation but also for expression of God's love, for fellowship and oneness. Sex should never been seen as a means of gratifying our selfish needs. It is absolutely wrong. Couples should endeavour to understand the role of sex in their relationship from the onset. This will help to erase problems like this.

Generally, there is no straight rule to sex such as with love. We are humans and have our shortcomings. Sexual mood swings will always spring up even if you make a sex timetable, though this could be helpful at times but with time, it becomes routinely and boringly awkward.
The best way to overcome all these is constant communication with your partner on your sex life. Let him know your turn-ons and turn-offs. Try out new things in the bedroom, make it spicy, colourful, breath taking, and just anything that will make your partner hold on tightly to you and will never want to let you go. Now it doesn't have to be sex all the way. You can decide to have a romantic date or foreplay. This equally will leave an indescribable, indelible and inexorable feeling.
Mutual understanding between you and your partner also help to break down these mood swings. When you have complete understanding of your partner's physical, psychological, sexual and spiritual being, it helps to control the mood swings. You will be able to tell when to sing a ballad or to go rock n' roll with friends.

If the mood swings becomes consistent, then you should seek therapy, but if not, let the fireworks begins!!! And that's how it is in Vay's world!!!

BELATED VALENTINE GIFT

HELLO EVERYONE,
It's been  a while since I came here, i think this is the first time in this year i'm posting something . Oh dear.... please do forgive me, I have been busy chasing things (Or is it the other way around?). Anyway, Im here now and I will be giving you all the spicy gist, tips and advice on relationships. but before I continue, happy new year to everyone out there and welcome to the month of March. Hope all your endeavours will be fruitful this month. i wanted to post this article on Valentine's day but I fell ill and couldn't post it (and it's not early morning sickness). So here it is, it was supposed to be my valentine gift to each and everyone of you out there. I hope you enjoy it....

 MAKE THIS VALENTINE COUNT!!!

     Love is a very strong phenomenon. It is very enigmatic and compelling. Many philosophers had tried to define love both in its simplicity and complexity.  Yet, there is no particular word or phrase that can encompass the true nature and depth of love. It is more than a feeling, words or thoughts. It is beyond the physical being of man but the existence of man depends on it.

   Though love is more than a feeling, it evokes a lot of emotions which are triggered by the subject’s valuation of the object. Emotions vary based on the perception and valuation of one’s character. Just as love is a feeling, so also are anger, fear, hurt, thus when the one we love hurts us, it triggers a feeling of despair, pain, denial, or bitterness.

    It is easier to sublime into a state of denial when we are hurt by a loved one or ostracize the physical and mental being from our immediate environment. It is possible to torture one's self in an attempt to cure the madness or impose a disciplinary action to teach one never to make a mistake of falling n love again. These feelings of hurt and pain can come from anybody, doesn't necessarily have to be the person you are in relationship with. This could be from a parent, a sibling, a close relative, a child or from a total stranger.

   A wife can be hurt by her unfaithful husband actions and may decide never to trust him again, a single guy can be hurt by his girlfriend didn’t return his love, just like a mother can decide not to care for a disobedient child. A person can be trodden with a load of guilt because he feels he is responsible for the pain of another.

   With all these feelings of hurt, it is easier to decide to stay away from those who have hurt us and forget about their very existence. We may not want to forgive them for the hurt, betrayal pain they have inflicted on us. Seeing that person or talking to that person could be poisonous to us because it triggers the painful memory of their lies, betrayal and hurt to the point that we are unable to stand them, thus, they cannot be forgiven. we delude ourselves that not caring or communicating with them makes it easier for the pain to heal.  

     We all are human beings and we have our shortcomings and foibles, no one is perfect thus we are prone to hurting people as well as being hurt even when it is not intentional. But does that make us less humans or stupid enough not to love someone? No, it doesn't. It just implies that we are more human. It is delusional to think that you will not be hurt by someone just because you are in love. Neither should you stop believing in love because you have been hurt by a loved one.

     To be able to love means to be able to forgive, not just forgive but also forget. Forgiveness goes hand in hand with love. Without forgiveness, one cannot truly embrace the depth of love. While it may seem cool to shut those who have offended you out of your life, it is easier to give them a forgiving pat and forget that they once made a mistake. No one is incapable of mistakes.

    The irony of holding grudges, resentment or bitterness against someone is that the person may not even know that you are angry with them. While you are busy fighting with your inner self whether to give them a call or send them an SMS or probably visit them r planning a sweet revenge, they are having a nice time. They may not be aware of your grudges and it may become embarrassing when they bump into you in the bar while you are hanging out with your friends, and you can’t share their enthusiasm because you can’t forgive them.

     Some people feel forgiveness should be justified when the wrong one is punished. Some see it as a debt owed and wait for the wrong one to apologize first. But love is not a competition.  For you to be free to breathe freely again, you just have to let go of the resentment and give room for acceptance.
      February is the month of love, it's St Valentine's day, a martyr of love. I want to implore you to make this Valentine count. Maybe you are still hurting from a painful break-up with a loved one, maybe your parents have hurt you badly in the past and this had affected your relationship. Probably, you caught your spouse cheating on you and you are finding it hard to forgive him or her, maybe your best friend betrayed you or you have a child who has been nothing but a total heartache to you. Whatever is the case, step out of your way this Valentine and forgive. Forgiveness heals faster than any other therapy because it erases all marks of pain. It gives you room to breathe freely. It makes you feel whole and loved again.

     It's just a few days to Valentine, go out of your way and get someone a special gift as an act of forgiveness. Don't allow pride to get in the way, you don't have to wait till they come crawling on their feet asking for your forgiveness, be the

first to do so. If you have vowed never to fall in love, let this Valentine make a difference, show some love to someone. Put a smile on someone's face and make them happy. Like the R&B singer, Katy Perry said, You are a firework, let your love shine this Valentine. Happy Valentine!                                        

WHY WE MUST BREAK UP: Escaping from an abusive relationship.

  Sometimes relationships linger more than is necessary even when it is glaring that its expiry date is long overdue. People stay longer in relationships often out of pity or lack of courage. Sometimes for fear of being hurt or hurting the other person because they feel an inexplicable obligation to the other person. In some cases, the individual stays longer in a relationship because he or she does not know how to break up with his or her partner.

Such kind of relationship often leads to disastrous consequences. One is forced to endure the relationship instead of enjoying it. When a relationship ceases to be mutual or becomes one-sided it is abusive. A relationship becomes abusive when one is forced to act against his or her will. It may be subtle or outright aggressive.

 Consider the following scenario:

You have been in a relationship for a year and the signs are there that both of you are not making headway. You know you are unhappy with him, but he is clinging to you for everything, he adores you no doubt. You feel you have to let go because the relationship just don't tick. You have tried to make amends for his table manners, silly remarks while hanging out with friends; you hate the way he snores and his unkempt attitude gets to your nerves in such an annoying manner. You have confronted him on so many occasions but he just wouldn't change even when he has given his word to do just that. 

Sometimes he is abusing you physically, he comes home drunk, beat the hell out of you then rape you. You go to bed in pains, crying your heart out, wishing you could get the hell out of the room. He is awakened by your sobs, he shouts down at you again and you cringed in fear. The next morning he is apologetic, telling you he was possessed by an evil spirit or he was too inebriated to act rationally. He comes home with rose flowers, taking care of you like a baby. In the end, you finally warm up to him.
You are confused. You have talked to friends and family about it. Some asked you to quit while others asked you to trudge on. You are in a dilemma. You want to move on but he is just not giving you the opportunity. Anytime you bring up the topic he becomes evasive, giving you all those heart wrenching pleas and mushy love words. You look deep in his eyes, seeing the genuine love he has for you. You are touched by his deep feelings for you. You tell yourself things will get better; no, you hope things will get better. You make up with him by taking him to dinner or perhaps he decides to prepare a sumptuous dinner for you. 

For two weeks (maximum), you notice some improvements in him. You tell yourself that he is indeed changing. All of a sudden, wham! He is back to his old self; you ignore him for a while, hoping with time he will adjust. Yet, a month gone and he is definitely not making any change. In exasperation, you confront him again and the old routine starts all over again.

 Do you find yourself in such a dilemma?

How long are you going to keep up with this?

The above scenario is a typical kind of abusive relationship faced by couples. Understanding the type of abusive relationship you are in enables the abused to break off from the relationship. Some people are in an abusive relationship but hardly aware of it because it looks normal to them. To an average person, a relationship is only abusive when there is physical force or violence. This is a wrong conception because there are various forms of abusive relationship which will be discussed in this article. Once one is able to identify the type of abusive relationship he or she is in, he or she is one step ahead of escaping from such relationship. The following are different forms of abusive relationships.

EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP:

Most common type of abusive relationship is the physical abuse which involves violence and forceful submission to your partner's bidding. Nevertheless a continuous infidelity in a relationship can be abusive especially when it is being taken for granted. If your partner is the promiscuous type and expects you to tolerate it despite his or her weak attempts to change, you are being abused. 

Such kind of relationship is an emotional abusive relationship. This kind of relationship is not that common because of its subtle nature. The abused hardly knows that he or she is going through such. The abuser feeds on the emotions of the abused such as the abused weaknesses or vulnerabilities. It always kicks off on an innocent note and gradually leads to abuse. Emotional abusive relationship always leaves the abused depressed, isolated, dependent and low self-esteem. The abuser displays all kinds of emotional tantrums and expects the abused to handle it. These emotions range from anger, pride, moodiness, infidelity among others. An emotional abusive relationship could be verbal at times such as name calling, yelling, jesting or an outright disregard of one's opinion. 

Emotionally abusive relationship comes in various forms such as humiliation, denial, intimidation, criticism, over reliance etc. The tricky feature of this kind of relationship is that the abused is unaware of what his or her emotions is subject to. It always looks harmless from the outside. An unfaithful spouse may not know that he is emotionally abusing his or her partner until it becomes a habit. He becomes remorseful and filled with so much guilt. With a determination to change for the better, he confesses his sins to the partner. With a contrite heart he promises not to stray again. He may mean this but; because he cannot control his sexual appetite, he goes back to the game sooner than he had anticipated. 

On the other hand, the abused is hurt by her partner's promiscuity but touched by his humility and sincerity. She feels since he was man enough to openly confess his sins to her, she feels obliged to forgive him. In fact, it was better he told her about his betrayal than for her to have found out from another source. 

Taking his word, she gives him another chance. At first, she notices the change and is proud of herself. She believes he must really be in love with her because of his act of sincerity. And that's how she gives her trust away to him. 

Once the abuser realizes that he has gained the abused trust, he becomes relaxed and in a short while, goes back to the adulterous habit and the whole cycle starts all over again until it results to violence. 

Another form of emotional abusive relationship can be the subjection of one to his or her partner’s emotional needs. In this case, there is over reliance on the abused emotions, at the same time, denying the abused the right to satisfy his or her emotional needs.

 In some cases, the abuse could be subtle and disguised. The abuser may pretend to offer emotional support to the abused meanwhile he is cunningly brain washing the abused. It becomes abusive when the abused becomes dependent on the abuser which can give the abuser the dominion to intimidate, humiliate and isolate the abused from her friends and family.

MENTALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP:

 In a mentally abusive relationship, the self-esteem of the abused is degraded. The abuser works on the judgment of the abused such that the abused thinks his or her opinion is baseless. The abuser sees his or her opinions as irrelevant as a result of the belittling he or she has suffered from his or her partner.

In this type of relationship, the abused has no say in any issue. The abuser can destroy the self image of the abused through verbal abuse such as name calling, yelling, screaming etc. Through these actions, the abuser constantly finds himself or herself thinking if his opinions or judgments are accurate. When he can’t find an absolute answer to such questions, he relies on the opinion of the abuser which is usually imposed on him or her. The abused in other words does not have a say in any issue in the relationship. All decisions regarding the relationship are made by the abuser with little or no regard of the abuser position in the concerned issue. This makes the abused withdrawn and intimidated. He or she cringes in fear when an argument is raised and becomes unnervingly silent. The self-esteem of the abused is affected as he or she is treated like a non -entity instead of a partner in the relationship.

SEXUALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP:

The general concept of a sexually abusive relationship is usually rape. Though it is the common type of sexually abusive relationship, it goes beyond that. A relationship could be sexually abusive if one is denied sexual gratification or when being subjected to devious sexual practices. Any form of denial in a relationship that is not geared towards a positive outcome in a relationship is abusive.

When one is denied of sexual gratification in a relationship, especially in marriages, it creates room for marital problems. Sex is an important part of marriage. In fact, it is what helps to keep the marriage stronger. Don’t get me wrong, sex is God’s gift to man in marriage. It goes beyond the physical attraction or lustful desires. There is a bonding that takes place when one has a sexual intercourse with his or her partner especially when the feelings are genuine. Sex is not only made for procreation, it is also meant for relaxation and has proved to be therapeutic.

When sex is denied or not enjoyed in a relationship there will be problems as one may be tempted to look elsewhere for sex. If a faithful partner is denied sex in a relationship, he or she becomes sexually depressed. He or she is deprived the joy of marriage.

Sexual abuse also occurs when one is subjected to devious sexual practice by one’s partner. We all have our various sexual fetishes but when It becomes extreme or when one’s partner does not agree to such sexual acts, it becomes a problem. Thus, it is always advisable that couples understand their sexual needs in order to avoid sexual issues in their relationships.

FINANCIALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP:

Financially abusive relationship occurs when the financial needs are the sole responsibility of one partner or when one is deprived of his or her financial needs and security. Sometimes, it is in form of theft. A partner can steal from the other with no remorse; this is an abuse to the partner. There are cases where the abused credit cards, financial statement are denied from him or her. The abuser takes dominion of the abused statement of accounts and other financial needs.

In some extreme cases, the abuser controls the way or manner the abused spends his or her money. I was once told a story where a man deprived his wife of making household purchases because he wanted to be in control of all the financial matters in the home. If the wife is to prepare rice for dinner, he denies the wife access to buy the ingredients for the meal. In fact, he prefers to go to the grocery store himself, get the necessary ingredients and bring it home to his wife.

In a normal relationship, the couple can choose to share the financial responsibilities between each other. When the financial needs are met by only person, it becomes abusive. There should be a shared responsibility of the financial needs in a relationship. The man should not carry the burden alone neither should the woman be idle and contribute nothing to the relationship.   

PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP:

Physically abusive relationship is the common type of abusive relationships. It makes use of physical force or violence such as harsh beatings, excessive bullying, or in some extreme cases, manslaughter. The victims of this kind of relationship are usually the women. There are a high percentage of women who undergo physical abuse from men in their relationships. Such men are considered to be bad tempered, disrespectful and very quick to anger.

This kind of abusive relationship could also be in form of hostage taking. The abuser can hold the abused captive by limiting her movements or activities in the house, isolating her from friends and family, torturing her by instigating fear in her at the slightest opportunity. The abuser lives in perpetual fear until someone comes to her aid or she is brave enough to break up from such relationship  

Break ups are inevitable and are not monstrous as some people had conjured it to be. Break ups gives room for improvement, one way or the other it works out for your own good, and.... there's no rule that says you can't get back together. You just have to make sure that you have worked out your differences. 

Human beings are complex animals. One cannot study an individual completely because we are susceptible to change. Like the popular saying goes, "love is not a destination but a journey" people change in relationships. The man you knew when he began dating you can change overnight. And if you are not careful, he might become a burden to you.

My advice: 

Always communicate with your partner:

Endeavor to know your partner as much as you can and always encourage communication.  Some people rush into a relationship without knowing much about their partner, they allow their emotions to get in the way of their thinking.

Communication is the key to everything in a relationship. You should learn to talk to your partner, thrash out those issues that are causing conflicts in your relationship.  Do not develop the habit of talking only when there is a problem in your relationship. Talk at all times and in any place; look out for some hidden traits that will not be easily noticed. Understand his mood swings and mannerisms. Never hesitate to raise any issue of concern.

When communicating with your partner, do not shout at him or her or try to impose your opinion on them. Communication is not only about one talking, you should also endeavour to listen as well but always talk when he is not making any move to do the talking. Never and I repeat never take any serious issue for granted. Make him listen to you in whatever manner you can. Devise a way to make him listen to your concerns so you don’t appear to be nagging.

Mean it this time:

Break-ups are never easy to handle because it involves a lot of emotions. While you are trying to save your heart, you are also considering how not to hurt the other person. 

Remember, there is no way it won't hurt, so don't give in to the display of painful emotions. Your partner can use this against you especially if it is not the first time you are trying to break up with him. Make sure this time you really mean it, that you are ready to move on and not just acting like you are ready. 

Don't give in to your emotions; don't let his plea, teary eyes, irrational behavior or threats get to you. Stand your ground. Let him know that there is no turning back, that unless he is willing to change you might reconsider him but at the moment, you just have to find your own way. 

Stop looking for the right time:

Some people are always looking for the right time to break up with a partner. They try to figure out the right mood, right environment, right words, and right time of the day.... The fact is that the right time will never come if you keep looking for it. Just have it at the back of your mind that the right time is when you are brave enough to approach him on the subject. It will always hurt so why don't you just get over it once and for all. Whether you choose to tell him before dinner or bedtime or break up with him when he is hanging out with friends, just know that it will hurt and get over with it.

Don't leave a note:

In extreme abusive relationship when the victim is held in hostage, the best option one can take is to leave a note or escape as soon as possible. In other cases, be brave enough to break up that stronghold, those shackles on your feet, set your mind and soul free by letting him know that you are no coward,  that you are strong enough to walk out of this relationship. If you can't do it alone, have a friend to be with you. Your friend need not say anything. Just an occasional nod of the head or a soft stroke on the arm or thigh, a pat on the shoulder or an encouraging look is all you need. Just find your inner strength and use it. 

State the basics:

When ending an abusive relationship, the best advice is to sever any line of communication between you and him for your own protection. However if the reverse is the case, then you have to let your partner know if he can still access you or not. If you think you still carry a torch for him and would love to work things out if he is willing to, and then let him know. If not, let him know too. Don't leave any page unturned. Make sure you got all covered up. Let him know the extent of your friendship with him and make sure you stick to it, though there may be times when you will have to break one or two rules but don't overdo it. 

Always talk to someone:

People in abusive relationships always find it embarrassing to tell friends and families about their ordeal in the relationships. They feel humiliated or pathetic because of their pride or fear. The good thing about telling someone about your experience is that you get help quickly.

Don’t just pretend that everything is alright in your relationship when in reality you are living in a lion’s den. Look for someone you can confide in, someone you know is in a position to help you, someone that have your good interests at heart. Never let fear or ego mar your escape route.  Look for help in any way you can. Share your burden with someone who you can rely on.

Redefine yourself:

After ending an abusive relationship, the next step is to redefine yourself. Take time to go through your past relationship, look out for the telltale signs you ignored, know your vulnerability and work on it. Ask yourself what you want in a relationship; in fact, are you ready to step into a new relationship? Don't waste your time wallowing in self-pity. Have a new start, build your self-esteem, set your new priorities, set standards for yourself, get back on your feet and let the whole world know that you are a survivor.

Relationships are meant to build you and not destroy you. They are to prepare you for future. Don't let anyone, absolutely anyone make your relationship a living hell for you.

BODY ODOUR—THE ROMANTIC DEAL BREAKER: TO IGNORE, OR NOT TO IGNORE

There is nothing as unromantic as body odour. If any young man or woman is to be asked of the three things that they find very unattractive in a partner, I’m sure body odour would not fail to make the list. There is nothing as a total turn-off as any part of the body that reeks of foul smell, be it from the armpit, the mouth or the private parts. Let us look at this from this typical scenario>>>

A young guy meets this wonderful lady, and for a while admired her, they both met many times at parties and other social gatherings, he approached her for an outing. After a few days of dating you began to have cold feet. She has body odour that you don’t like, and for you it’s a big NO NO.

You haven’t’ kissed, yet, slept or even gotten intimately closed, well, you almost did, till that moment finally came, and the rude shock got you hesitating.  She had already agreed to your proposal and fallen hard, calls you every day, and wonders why you don’t call or return her calls anymore.  But she is not picking the cue, and a couple of days later you heard the rumour from her friends, that she says you’re a coward, but hell no you’re not, you say to yourself. The hard truth is, she stinks, and for you, body odour is the deal breaker.  Well, don’t feel guilty about it, or not pursuing a relationship, but it’s not completely cool for you to completely dump her, or ignore her, like she is a hot mess, and don’t’ forget that, such sensitive things as body odour or personal hygiene can be said easily to a partner you’ve dated in a long while, or a child for that matter, and it’s always hard to tell a non-related person, acquaintance or any person you just met recently.                       


                                        “NEVER ALLOW ODOUR SPOIL THOSE MAGIC MOMENTS”    

Body chemistry is known to play a very crucial role in the bond between the opposite sexes. A human being’s sense of smell is usually more powerful than we’re even conscious of sometimes. Truth is, you can be attracted to almost anyone just because of their body scent and not even realize it. This is where it gets difficult to maintain an intimate relationship or get close and personal when a partner has any unruly body odour coming from their body, and it gets worse when they refuse to listen or heed to advice to get help or even tackle the situation.  A smelly boxer shorts, or socks by a man, or dirty lingerie made worst by a sweaty body that is carried to the intimacy of the bedroom shows total disrespect, carelessness on the side of the offender, and plain laziness. It takes any pleasure of the lovemaking away even before the party starts, and worst it can affect the offended one’s sexual performance and or mental psyche. It even get exasperating when the offended partner decides not to talk about it and bottles it up.

“FIND A SOLUTION--AND MAKE IT WORK”

Whatever the situation, there is always a way out. Wouldn't you want to taste good and smell nice for your partner at all times during your special late night sessions? By minimizing the factors that may be causing body odour, and changing a few eating habit, things should get better, hopefully.

First, learn the habit of taking a shower more often, at least twice every 24 hours or a day, it doesn't matter if you sweat a lot or not, lovemaking is a blissfully sacred act that requires cleanliness at all physical levels of your being, and invest in some good cosmetic products such as body creams, deodorant and Cologne, some are specially made for such problems, such as foot spray for smelly feet.

Everyone sweat to some degree, sweat is known to increase moisture in the pubic area, if there is lots of moisture for longer periods of time, there is only one result--odour.

This could be as a result of a hard day's work, or wearing heavy clothing. This same sweaty odour is what we get in our underarms and especially in between our thighs.

In our private parts, especially of women, any pungent odour from the vagina could be as a result of bacterial activity, or worst, a sexually transmitted infection, this can give the vagina a fishy body odour and in extreme cases a highly pungent rotten-like stench, this must be taking to a professional health worker to verify soon as it is noticed.

Men and women are also known to develop yeast infection which causes pubic hair odour. This odour is usually bread like but not a sexually transmitted disease.

If you smoke, please learn to quit. Smoke stains trapped inside the body come out through the pores, and lungs. It is also believed that many of the things that affect body odour are believed to affect the taste of semen as well, for instance, alcohol, and coffee are considered to give a man's semen a bitter, pungent taste, likewise the excess intake of garlic, and onions.

Body odour is not foul smelling all the time, each person has their own natural body odour, it is inherent in every being, and that of men is known to help attract women in the form of pheromones. However, when one fails to stay hygienic, then the problem creeps up.

Attitudes, problems and habits can take long a time to fix, and sometimes it is just plain impossible, but going that extra mile to see to it that the problem is fixed not only shows how conscious you are of your body, but also how much you really love and care about your partner's feelings and needs. So never get upset when that loved one speaks his or her mind over it, offended partner also need to show some support in every step of the way by showing understanding and being tolerant.

You can be as beautiful as any beautiful thing in the world, hardworking a 'genius' in bed, all the works, but that body odour will always be a romantic turn-off, so deal with it NOW.

An article by Precious Kweku Obeng. ©

CAN LOVE EVER BE ENOUGH???

They say love conquers it all, how true is this? Can love really silence the needs and expectations of family members and loved ones? Can it suppress society demands? Can it shun the basic necessities of our personal being?

Have you ever wondered why some relationships don't get past the second date despite the first date was so romantic? Have you ever wondered  why two perfect beautiful couples suddenly go separate ways even when they seem so happy?

Trust me, it is never intentional but there are just some factors that people tend to overlook or perhaps,  believe that love can conquer it all. While some have survived the storm, others have been drowned. Others however just chicken out. Whichever way, it boils down to the ugly truth that love is never enough to make a stable relationship. While it is the strongest rudiment, it is also the most ignored fact when other factors show up.

These factors if not confronted usually result to misunderstanding which eventually leads to break-ups.

When in love, it's so easy to ignore some salient issues such as career choice, family opinions, social class, etc. This usually occurs in the first date.

At first meeting, we are  attracted to the opposite sex based on our romantic needs.
We are swooned by the strong waves of love and nothing else matters at the moment apart from love. All you want to do is support him/her, you dismiss other priorities in your life but focus in love.

I would like to call this the first stage in a relationship. It is characterized by one's focus on romantic and sexual needs that can be derived from the other partner. One tends to focus on the short-term gains such as sexual gratification, fantasy marriage, emotional support and physical attraction.

When this first stage finally takes a bow, and the curtains drawn, one  begins  to ponder if the audience actually enjoyed the show. Other relevant issues begins to rear up.

Suppose he comes from a very poor background and you are from a rich background, you begin to wonder, what will be the reaction of your family when you bring him/her home. Will they accept him/her like you did or probably knock your head until you regain your senses back?

If you are lucky, your parents could be supportive and lend a helping hand, but do be on the lookout for some insults at the slightest confrontation.

You may decide to be stubborn and go ahead with the relationship. You really don't mind paying the rent and other utility  bills. Then all of a sudden, while hanging out with your girlfriends, they ask you about your man, what is he doing, why is he always hanging out at the salon, where is he taking you this holiday, oh can you bring him over to the new joint(and we all know the man ends up paying for the drinks and chips). Worse, they babble about the exotic places their man has taken them to, show you the lovely presents they bought for them.

You go home feeling so miserable and annoyed especially if you meet him in the sitting room watching football, dishes undone and tap running in the bathroom. You will scream the hell out of him, remind him of how you work your butt off just to take care of the bills. On and on you rant while he looks at you quizzically. And  poor him, he doesn't have a clue of what the problem really is.

You finally succeed in driving him out of the house to a bar and though he hopes to meet you in a lighter mood when he gets back but he will be very devastated when he returns because you will still be sulky. In fact, the "I'm tired of this" mode has just being activated.

The ladies suffer the same. When he goes on social functions and his colleagues keep talking about how their wives help financially or their latest jobs, he keeps mute or excuse himself to use the gents. God help you if you decide to ask for a new trinket or blanket that night. He will definitely remind you of your pathetic state. Even the tears you cry won't help out. Tonight, he is done with the burden of catering for you alone. He needs your support and you just have to start taking care of your demands. He storms out of the house angrily.
After much sobbing and reflection, you wash up, dress up in your best lingerie, hoping that your seduction plan will work because you really need that trinket to show off in the next women's meeting in the church or your neighbourhood.

At the creaking sound of the door, you quickly jump into bed, poise in a seductive way, exposing a bit of some juicy apples, brush your hair one more time to ensure it has that sexy allure, lastly apply Victoria Secret lipstick to give your lips that sweet and juicy taste. You count how many minutes it will take him to get to the bedroom.

Minutes turn to hours, yet no sign of him, no sound either. You keep on waiting until the air-conditioned room suddenly becomes too hot.

In your frustration, you set out to look for him only to find him in the sitting room slumped in couch snoring loudly. And there goes your well-laid plan.

While we wish to fall in love and marry that perfect man or woman of our dreams, one cannot drown social expectations from our loved ones and the society at large.

It is very easy to fall in love and shun society demands but, and this is a big BUT....can you survive the storm in the long run? Can you really not care when you can't visit home during long vacations or take your children to see your parents because you are afraid one of them will snort and tell your children that their parents was a match made in hell?

Can you avoid the nosy neighbor in the supermarket who tells everyone that you are such a disgusting excuse for being a man because your wife works while you lay in bed all day?
Can you ignore the embarrassing looks and whispers of your girlfriends when your man can't pay for their drinks in a bar?

Can you gladly pose with your wretched husband for a classic magazine cover?
Can you still say "I love you" after all these?

It is advisable that before one makes a lifetime commitment, the couple should endeavor that they have the necessary capacity to cushion these social expectations. While romance and all its eccentricities can make you jump into the marriage wagon, be sure that you have enough fuel to keep it burning.

On a more specific basis, love is never enough to make a relationship work or last. One need to be witty as well when making decisions in relationships, especially those leading to marriages.

One has to weigh the pros and cons to ensure that they are on the right track.
It is wiser to end a date before it develops into a real relationship than to grumble and wallow in self-pity in marriage.

Love can only be complete when two individuals decide to stay together, stronger and tougher when the storm blows.




The writer is a graduate of the Nigerian Institute of Journalism in Lagos, a blogger and freelance writer.