THE OTHER LOVER...

Every woman's nightmare in a relationship is to find out that she is sharing her man with another woman. That there is another lover in the scene. The other woman, the one who gets all the love and trust. The one who he runs to in times of need. The one whose bed he prefers instead of yours.

It's heartbreaking to say the least. No one want to share her man. We all want to occupy the centre stage in his heart, we want to be his spotlight not some other woman or some damsel in distress.

But when such happens, what do you do? Do you go ranting and threatening the other lover? Do you just sit quietly and accept your fate? Or do you walk out of the relationship in annoyance?

While it is quicker to pick up your cell phone and dial her number, it is better to think properly about the situation before you take any actions.
Sadly, most women think confronting the other woman would solve the problem. But the result of this action don't necessarily yield the desired results. Some confrontations may not be verbal abuse, some could come in forms of threatening messages to the other lover but the endpoint is
what matters.

Confronting the other lover does not help you keep your relationship. You could choose to be nice to him to win back his love or you could be down right nasty and make him see that you are not some toy he could play with.
You never can tell a man's response concerning your confrontation with his lover. He might think you went overboard and you may end up losing your relationship instead of saving it.
While he may want to pacify you by giving you all sorts of reasons why he strayed, there is a high percentage that he would return to his lover and
make a fool of you. Thus, still giving her the upper hand. If the confrontation happened in his
presence, he might decide to dump you right at the spot.

Before you confront the other lover, here are some things you need to consider:

1. You might want to re-evaluate yourself. What's your position in the relationship? Are you just passive or active in the relationship? Are you the type that doesn't really pay attention to the needs of her man? Do you take him for granted? Do you indirectly push him outside with your constant nagging? Do you value his opinions on personal matters? Do you give him a listening ear or a running mouth?

These questions will not only help you in re-defining yourself in the relationship but will also help you analyse the situation better. If you are not guilty of any of this, then consider the following step...


2. How well do you know your man? Is he the type who gets bored easily? Does he really appreciate you like he professed? Is he really serious with you or you are just one time thing for him? Is he really committed in the relationship? Does he really enjoy your company or pretends he does? Does he really talk to you about his problems? Is he quick to meet up with your needs but shut you out from reaching out to him? Is he flexible or rigid in his actions and decisions? Is he financially stable? Does he meet up with your financial needs? Does he really respect you?

Knowing the type of man you are dating gives you an insight on the type of woman he might want to hang out with.

3. Your level of communication with your man also matters. Communication is very important in relationships and occurs at every level. Be it on the first date or last date, knowing how to communicate with your lover very well helps you to understand him more. Thus, you can easily tell when he is seeing someone else. While some men are experts in having discreet affairs, so also are the women in unravelling the secret codes.

A woman might be blinded at first but with time, she will pick up the signals and act on it. She either freaks out or play dumb just to beat you at your own game. Depending on the level of communication you have with your spouse, it is possible he might confide his relational problems to his lover instead and this gives the other lover an edge over you.

4. You might also want to find out what kind of relationship your man has with this other woman. Is it just platonic or sexual? Often times, women misinterprete their spouse's relationship with the opposite sex. Thus it is important you find out what kind of relationship your man has with this lady. How often do they communicate?

Now don't do the mistake of calling her on the phone, cursing and threatening. This step should be avoided because you might end up embarrassing yourself especially if she knows more about you than you know about her. If your man discusses relational problems with her, you will really have to come up with more than just the 'B' and 'C' words.

5. Now that you know there is another woman in the spotlight, confront your man. Yes, let him know you know about it. There is no use in dying in silence. Let him know that you are hurt by his actions. But you have to be careful while treading on this path. There is no need of you denying him sex or meals simply because you found out about his affair. This will only create more distance between both of you. So why don't you just have a matured discussion with him. Let him know how you feel. If you still want to make things work, then let him know. Let him know that you demand his respect in the relationship.

Now, remember communication is a two way thing, ensure that you also hear him out. Try to find out what led to his actions, (that is, if he can be honest with that). Settle your differences and work it out if possible.
Cheating is inevitable in relationships. If he is not cheating on you sexually, he is emotionally. But I don't think it should end a relationship. I believe there should be a second chance, there should be room for improvement.

Truth is, no one likes to be in a relationship with an unfaithful lover, but these things happen. And when it does, you just have two options: take a walk or make it work. It's your choice, your life, your happiness that is at stake here. Instead of stalking or having cat fights with his lover, why not re-evaluate your relationship and see if the man you are hitting your head on the brick for is worth it. Protecting your territory through confrontations won't keep the bees away. The main work is in your relationship.

SUNDAY READ: The Wrath of Jezebel by Amos Bwire...contd

As she opened the front door, Abella’s face said it
all. “What is it, partner? Tell me, what is it?”
“It’s him, partner. It’s him-uh-uuuh…” Abella broke
into tears. She let herself lean onto her friend's
shoulder.
"Oh!" scowled Lucinda. Without another question,
she took Abella upstairs, to her private lounge, and
for a while she was busy soothing her as she
sobbed uncontrollably. “Wait here. You need some
to drink.” Lucinda suggested. She left Abella
cradling on the sofa, and scurried towards the mini
bar.
A moment later, Lucinda was back with a bottle of
wine. She served it to Abella before she joined her
on the sofa. “Tell me, what really happened to
you?”
“Partner, when I committed to this man. I
committed everything." A tearful Abella said. "No
reservation. But--”
“I know what kind of a woman you’re, darling. Now
tell me. What did he do to you this time?”
“I know nothing about him,” She murmured,
trying and fail to suppress tears. In less than five
minutes, Abella had emptied two glassfuls of
Dompo and she was on third.
Such quick! In her mind Lucinda exclaimed,
staring at her. “Abella, this is not funny. You are
drinking so much so quick...”
“No. Yes. I know it’s not," Her fore finger pointed at
a half empty glass in her hand. "But this will make
it funny.”
“Ok-ok. If that makes you feel better…I want to
know what happened.”
She told her. She told Lucinda of all the overhead
conversation between Elijah and Jezebel. “Tell me
Lucinda,” She grumbled in the end, gasping
between sobs, “What’s wrong with me…that I
don’t deserve the happiness other women ha--?”
“Hey, stop saying that, partner. Stop!” Interrupted
Lucinda.
“I never cheated on my man. Ever!” Abella blurted,
tears started pouring down her soft cheeks. “Have I
ever fantasized of it? Like hell, I do. But out of my
respect for him, I never dishonored myself.” Then
in a mild drunk voice, she quipped, “Now see, I’m
stuck here pouring out my humiliations, at you.”
“It was me who welcomed you here…” Argued
Lucinda, staring sadly at her confused friend.
“No, Lucy. I should be well and out of your hair
now.” She was pouring in more wine. “I’ve given
you too much of me already.”
“You really don’t deserve to go through all this,
partner.” Lucinda said. She then moved up and
went back to the bar. There she picked up a bottle
of Vodka. “I lost my interest in these dogs, years
ago. It’s time you forget about this animal, darling.
He doesn’t deserve you.”
"Mh-huh." Mumbled Abella, indecisively.
“Men are weak creatures. They deserve tramps and
diggers, but not real women, like you.”
“I know Lucy. I--”
“No you don’t!” Lucinda spoke scornfully. She took
in a huge shot of vodka. “If you know that, why
haven’t you been able to move on by yourself?”
“Lucy, I know, but it’s not that easy.” Abella
struggled to pull herself off the sofa. “But now I
know. I know what I’m going to do. I’m--”
“Okay. I was just trying to help, you know. I really
am, partner, don’t get me wrong.”
“Lucy, it’s not your fault. It’s mine.” Her voice
became sad. “You know, we never realize how
much we care about others, until when we find out
they don’t care at all, about us. That’s what hurts
me most. Why always me, Lucy? Why?”
“Now you’re letting your emotions over cloud your
judgment. You’re not alone, darling. You’re just
adding up the number on top of billions of women
in the same situation.” And before Abella said a
thing, Lucinda asked, "Something to eat?"
"No, partner, not now. Maybe later."
"Mh. okay, if you say so. But I thought you could--"
“Have you ever dated a man, Lucinda?”
Interrupted Abella. She clearly didn't have appetite.
With her eyes flaring in surprise, Lucinda spoke,
“Who hadn’t, Abella?” She then gazed intently at a
quizzical Abella. “Years ago, yes. I dated dozens of
dogs. I kissed a good number of frogs, maybe as
twice as my age."
"Mh?" Abella had her sexy, big eyes getting bigger.
"Oh, yeah! And they all came to me with cardinal
cassocks, only to unleash their worms out as soon
as they got what they craved for. I lost my virginity
while I was seven.”
Out of shock, Abella jumped forth, “What?”
“Oh, yeah, that’s it. I grew up a lonely girl. My dad
and my mom were always too busy to have time for
me. They would leave the house at 6:30am and
return while I’m already asleep. The only time I had
with my mother was on Sundays, when we would
go together to church and shopping afterwards. My
dad was a no-show man most of the time. And the
only person who had time for me was my older
brother, Mbulisi who unfortunately died
accidentally when he was eleven, four years older
than me."
“Oh, I’m sorry.” Said Abella, sympathetically. “Did
he fall ill?”
“Nope. He died in front of my eyes. We were
running down the stairs towards the waiting car
outside our house, as we were getting out for
school. He was in front of me and he happened to
lose his footing and slide, rolled over several stairs
before he knocked his head onto the floor--”
“Oh, Lucinda, that’s sad, really! I’m so sorry!”
“Thanks, partner…” Lucinda posed, in reflection. “It
was the most horrifying thing ever!"
"It was. Definitely, that was."
"You should try this one." Said Lucinda as she
poured in a vodka shot into Abella's empty glass. To
her amazement, Abella dropped it all, in one gulp.
"Mmmh! Never tried this before! Bitter!" She
flinched as the shot trailed past her throat. "Enhe?"
Her face wearing a wryly smile, Lucinda proceeded,
"Well, the loss affected me deeply. I started
spending much of the time alone, in my bedroom,
watching TVs, playing with dolls, until months later,
when we got a new shamba boy, Thabo. Soon he
became closer and closer to me. And I needed
someone to talk and laugh too. My parents weren’t
there. It seemed like they didn’t know or cared
anything about my feelings." Lucinda took a deep
breath. After she exhaled it, she said, "Before I
knew it I started engaging myself in things I never
even had idea of. A thing led to another, until one
day, Thabo forced himself on me. That’s the way I
lost my cherry."
"Oh, my God Lucy!" Abella remarked.
"And my mom was too dumb to see signs that I
was sexually molested and abused almost every
day. I turned my anger from Thabo to my parents.
And by the time daddy noticed something was
going on between me and Thabo, it was too late,
eight months had passed...."
"Oh, my God! Did he find out?"
"Well, he almost killed Thabo if it wasn’t for him to
run out of the house when he saw daddy jetting to
his bedroom to pick the gun. He never showed up
again.”
“Oh, Lucinda…what a journey.”
Well, it was, coz it didn’t stop there. Lucinda slept
around with a chain of boys. She felt nothing. By
the time she was thirteen, she started having
affairs with adult men, ten years or so older than
when was. Same thing. She felt nothing. "But one
day, in a supermarket, I bumped shoulders with
this guy, and he was like, “Oh, sorry Missy!” And
his voice got me done. I checked him out…he was
the hottest man on planet. I approached him, and
soon we started dating.” Lucinda posed, sipped on
her glass.
“To cut the crap short, we got engaged six months
after our first date. Then one evening, during my
wedding preparations, all hell did break loose…”
Abella was silent, a mixture of wine and spirit was
taking its toll on her. She was listening mildly to
Lucinda.
“I had just misplaced my mobile phone,” Continued
Lucinda, “And before I had time to look for it, I was
needed to make an urgent call, so I borrowed my
mom’s. Now, just after I hanged up the call, before
I returned it to her, my eyes ran through her
outgoing calls list. I don’t know what exactly led
me to, but I found myself scrolling on that list.
Among dialed numbers was Dakarai's, my fiancée.”
She paused, taking a shot off her glass. “Well, I
wanted to ignore it, but the timing of that call irked
me, it was almost 1am! I wanted to ask her in case
there was something wrong regarding the wedding
planning or something, but I decided against it. I
kept quiet.”
“Oh, really? Doesn’t look as good, partner…” Abella
somehow forgot her problems, for a moment. She
was taken by Lucinda’s surprising quarry.
“It didn’t take long before one day I caught them
red-handed, in a hotel bed.”
“What, Lucinda?” Abella chocked out a chunk of
vodka that she was taking in. “Ah-aaah! You mean
your mom and your fiancée were..?”
“Exactly!” Her face wore a sudden serious look.
“The two were screwing around behind my back!”
“Oh my God! Oh my God! I feel dizzy, Lucinda…
This is…Oh my--”
“See? Shits happen, Abella,” She took a huge
chunk of vodka, and hissed. “Shits happen to
everyone, not just to you!”
“Oh, Lucinda. I still don’t believe any of that…that’s
impossible. How could they? How could--”
“Don’t bother Abella…look at me. Look at me. Do I
have any of that fucking pain in my face? I buried
them right there. I shut them out of my life right
there, both of them…that damned mother-fucker
and the witch herself!”
Abella wanted to say something, but nothing came
out. She was feeling awfully dizzy.
“Since that day, I have never dated a man again!”
“So this is the reason, is it, Lucinda?” Abella
considered. “This is the reason you became a--?”
“Yes! And I'm not apologetic. No regrets."
"Ah, men..!"

FRIDAY HEAT: Who makes a better wife; a career woman or a housewife?

It's funny how young men of nowadays want a career woman as a wife instead of a housewife. They want assets not liabilities. The way they go about it sometimes makes it look like a non-career woman has no hope of getting hitched by any man.

Besides that, the social status and acceptance comes into play. The argument seem to be directed at the physical qualities of these two types of wives. Some men argued that lots of women today get married and when they become housewife ,they start eating recklessly,put on weight,and refuse to even dress to impress their men anymore. They'll rather dress to show of the prowess of their wardrobe off to their friends at funerals, church weddings, engagements. And the most painful fact is they use the marriage as their point of security to do all these,unlike a career woman who's conscious of a lot of things including but not limited to her clothing or outfit especially.

Sadly you can't just yab her and perhaps even kick her out when it gets to that point..lol

In essence, a career woman appeal more to the man than the housewife in her dressing.

Financially, the career woman seem to steal the spotlight again. She is independent and that's what most men in the society want. Miss independent. Someone who won't bring the extra burden, rather would help taking the burden off their shoulders.

However, I wonder if that is the only role a woman should play in the marital home. Is she just there to help financially? Does been financially independent help her build a better home? How does she cope with all the demands from home and her workplace?

What about the housewife? Does her choice to be a housewife make her financially dependent on her husband? Does it relegate her in the eyes of society? Does her position make her suggestions irrelevant in family decisions?

In terms of romance and proper taking care of the family. Who do you think gets the upper hand; the housewife or the career woman?
Who will go the extra mile to make a home, keep the family happy?

#TGIF#

Let the heat begin!!!

FRIDAY HEAT: Who is more faithful in relationships; a young guy or an old guy?

I know some people say age is nothing but a number and maturity got nothing to do with age but I couldn't help but wonder if same can be said about infidelity in relationships. Who is more faithful in relationships? A young guy or an old guy?

Is it possible to have a faithful relationship with a young guy between the ages of 25-35 or an old guy who is between the age of 45-55?

Do ladies feel more secure with a young fresh dude who is ready to explore life and take advantage of every opportunity it offers or the advanced guy who may have experienced it all and would want to take things on a slow pace?

Are young dudes more promiscuous than older ones?

What's your take on this?
Let the heat begin!!!
#TGIF

SUNDAY READ: The Wrath of Jezebel by Amos Bwire

And the ink keeps flowing... Enjoy!!!
She couldn’t handle it anymore.
She was trembling, so confused that she thought
she could go nuts. The river of tears trailed down
her tender cheeks. Her heart swelled with grief and
rage. Her tongue twisted, foreign melodies tore
through her burning throat. Luckily, at that hour of
the day, traffic was so high that she didn’t have to
take much precaution while driving. Otherwise, she
would have been forced to pull off her car aside.
The phone call she had received from her husband,
the relief she had felt while talking to him over the
phone, off a bad day in the office…plus his
legitimate promises to her, all turned into a
disastrous evening. How dare he talk to me that
way while he’s on bed with another woman? How
dare he? Abella thought, now in a pool of tears,
weeping in sheer grief.
What infuriated her most was the way their
conversation ended. It seemed like someone
interfered that call from Elijah’s side, and took the
phone away from him while still in conversation
with Abella. And soon Abella heard a female voice,
“Let’s get down to business…” and all of a sudden
her husband’s confident voice was thrown
completely off the line. At first she didn’t recognize
the voice, until when she heard Elijah mentioning
the name. She got crushed.
She recalled Jezebel as saying, “Remember the
things we did, huh? Remember? Things nobody
knows about you, but only me...Our little sweet
secrets…”
Secrets…? That was a stab in Abella’s heart. “What
secrets?" Irritated, she whispered at herself. "Oh
Lord!” But that wasn’t as devastating as when she
heard Jezebel urging Elijah to take her from the
other side, a clear indication that it wasn’t a new
act to the two illicit lovers. “Take it. I know you
missed it, baby…you always do…!” Abella choked.
Never had she thought that her husband of six
years could be capable of doing that. The cell-
phone slipped off her hand, onto her lap as her
heart sunk. She exhaled heavily, “Humph!” Her
head fell over the wheel. “Oh, Elijah, how many
skeletons are you hiding in your stinking closet?”
She mumbled in frustration.
__________________
Wasn't it for the honking from behind her, she'd
have stuck at Ubalozi traffic lights for ages.
Totally lost, Abella gassed forth and drove the car
like a driver under-influence. The situation rightfully
confused her. The whole world was like crumbling
down on her. Overwhelmed, she knew she had to
talk to someone. But to whom..?
Two months ago, when she settled her matters
with Elijah and agreed to get back to him, almost
everyone around her was against the idea. Even
her parents and close friends. They insisted for her
to take more time alone, before considering getting
back to him. But she ignored them and got back to
Elijah. I'm not going to tell them about this, again.
Oh lord!
Driving across Shoppers Plaza, she dialed Lucinda.
Her enigmatic friend and business partner,
Lucinda, was the only person who had never been
negative, like the rest, in her decision. She seemed
to be less and less concerned about Abella's marital
life. But also, apart from being her closest friend
and a business associate, Abella considered
Lucinda as a very discreet and matured woman.
“Hello, Lucy!”
“Hello partner! What’s new?”
“Are you at home?” She knew Lucinda was a real
party-fanatic. On Fridays like that she’d always get
back home shortly, change accessories then jet out
to parties, till late hours.
“Yes, sure! But I’m about to get out.”
“Oh really..?”
“You wanted to come, partner?”
“Oh, no, partner. Just go ahead. I’ll check with you
tomor--”
“No no nooo! I’m not in so much hurry,” Said
Lucinda. “You want to come, just come. I’ll be
waiting for you.”
“Is it Ok, Partner?”
“Perfecto!” Replied a normally-composed Lucinda.
“Oh, on my way then... five minutes!"
___________________

FRIDAY HEAT: Is online dating really all about sex???

During a chit chat with my sister yesterday, she told me about a discussion she stumbled upon on her Facebook page. It was about a lady who had met two guys online, A and B. She and A knew each other for a while before he introduced her to B. Along the line, she and A felt Cupid at work but somehow A became distant and B became available. This inadvertently aroused strong feelings for B.

Her dilemma however lies in the fact that she is about to meet both guys for the first time and she doesn't know who is more real since she found out later that all the while A was professing love to her online, he was in a serious relationship with some other cutie. Thanks to B for this info.

Being a bit indecisive on what to do, she had asked her friends (and strangers as well) online to help her with advices not insults( trust Nigerians. Lol!)

To surmise, she got her insults and advice as well but what really piqued my interest was the type of advice she got from her friends. Majority of them told her that she should ditch the two guys because all they want from her is sex. They advised her that most guys online are not real, and she may never really tell who is lying among the two.

This makes me wonder if online dating is about sex since this is not the first time I've heard such comments.

I have met lots of wonderful people online. And yes, the sex factor usually comes into play. Don't know if it is a new tag line to catch a babe or whatever. But it depends on the user to decipher who is a jackass and a real man. If a man starts talking all dirty on you online, you should know without a red alert that he is nothing to write home about.

But what about those who come out all clean, all mannered and well spoken but have such devious plans in their minds?

While I may assume that a sensible person should be able to read the signs, I can't help but wonder if online dating is really just about sex? Is Cupid not working in this time zone? Can't real love, long time partnership be found here?

Despite the technology advancement in the world, most people still find it hard to believe that online dating could actually be the ish. That truly, one can find a partner here. Most people view online dating as an avenue to get cheap sex. With social networking sites such as Facebook and BBM, sex seems to be just one click away and one can get it for free most times. Thanks to sexting.

While I believe that there is nothing really different between an online and offline relationship apart from the medium, some people may not because of the lies people tell online. Some lie about their age, height, weight, facial beauty, career, education etc. Anonymity is at its peak in online dating and this could endanger a careless user.

These flaws had made some people not to take online dating serious but just another whorehouse. How true is this? Can love not be found online? Is online dating really all about sex?

Let the heat begin!!!