Saturday, 16 April 2011

Can you see the tears I cry
Can you hear me when I call
Can't you see how much I try
To catch you when you fall
Can you feel the wind on your skin
Is the feeling very keen
Does it make your feet dance
Or dismiss this last chance
You say I'm your worst nightmare
The very monster of your deepest fear
You accuse me of being so cold
But you are always far away to hold
Did I ever reply to your bitch-back
Or smack you when you are out of track
Did I ever push you against the wall
Or mock you when your pride stands so tall
I'm staring at you as you walk out the door
Knowing I won't see you anymore
You won't even kiss me
Not even a smile to see
You are saying goodbye
Another farewell lullaby
My heart won't stop bleeding
And I think I just stopped living
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Thursday, 14 April 2011


Just as I was enjoying this lovely dream of being walked down the aisle by my sweetheart, smiling and wriggling underneath my blanket,reveling in the lovely romantic feelings, my phone rang.
I ignored it at first but when it rang consistently, I sleepily reached for it. The moment I saw who the caller was, the mist cleared instantly from my eyes. Like a thunderbolt, it crashed my beautiful dream to a halt.
"Drat!" I cussed as I threw the blanket off my body and tiptoed to the bathroom. In a hush tone I said "hello" as I closed the bathroom door gently with my left leg.

" Baby, what's wrong? Why are you not picking up your calls?"
"I was fast asleep, it's still morning over here you know" I replied with a notch of sarcasm.
There was a brief pause before he asked where I was. I immediately turned the tap on.
"I'm in the bathroom cleaning up."
"Well, I'm outside your door."
I instantly froze. What the f**k! The colour drained from my face as I sank on the bath tub.
"What did you just say?" I asked again to be sure I have heard the right thing.
"I said I'm home baby, I'm outside in the cold! Please open up ."
It occurred to me then that it had rained heavily last night. I really don't mind if he dies in the cold.
Oh my God! Shit! Shit! Shit!
What have I done? I asked myself as I stood up and stare at the mirror. What mess have you gotten yourself into? How did you get here? I ran my hand through my already messed up hair from last night escapade. What am I going to do now? Why didn't he tell me he was on his way home? Why did he have to turn up so impromptu? What was he thinking? That I would be in bed alone? After five years and he just appeared on my doorstep out of the blue.
I had unconsciously dropped the phone on the floor. Not until it beeped again did I pick it up.
"What's wrong with you? Do you want me to freeze to death?"
I hated his tone. I so much wanted to tell him to go back to wherever he came from. I wanted to tell him to vanish into the thin air and leave me alone! I wondered what hurricane blew him back. I don't need him anymore. He is history! I have moved on, but I couldn't bring myself to say all these to him. As painful as it is, I owe a lot to him. Weakly I told him to hang on that I'm coming.
I washed my face and then headed back to the bedroom where Segun was still sleeping peacefully. I stood there staring at him. My new love. The man who had wiped away my tears during those stormy nights. He had held me close when loneliness choked me, had sailed with me during the turbulent waves of my life. What would I have been if he had not stopped and said "hello" that fateful afternoon at the mall. The memory was so clear like yesterday...
Standing few metres away from me, he had given me the most charming smile I have ever seen, holding out my wallet to me.
"I think this belongs to you." he said, flashing the most perfect teeth I have ever seen. I was immediately attracted to him like a magnet but my countenance then was not encouraging as I had issues to deal with. I muffled a thank you and took it from him. I expected him to walk away but he stood there staring down at me. It was then I realised he was towering over me. I looked up to the giant who barred my way and the look in his eyes melted me instantly. I found myself stuttering, shifting my feet from one leg to another as I asked him to make way for me to pass.

He moved aside as I made my way to the cashier. I could still feel those brown eyes burning at my back. I wanted to turn around and stare again, just one last time because I know we could never be together. Never! I'm out of bounds...
But here he was, sleeping on my bed so angelic, I have to wake him up. I have to tell him that we can't be together. That I wished I could spend my entire life with him, to wake up in his arms every morning,to be everywhere with him, to listen to his laugh and bask in his smile, to make sweet passionate love to him every night...

I kissed his forehead and caressed his eyebrows. He turned and smiled at me.
"Honey, you are up. Is Amy ok?" he asked pulling me to his chest as he blew me a kiss. My heart wrenched in pain. Why can't I be with him? Why should I let him go? Why? Why? Why? I asked countlessly as a tear slipped from my eyes and dropped on his bare chest. He tilted my face up with his index finger and stared at me.
"Honey, what's wrong? Why are you crying? Is it Amy?"
He sat up and held me close. His forehead was already drawing lines of worry, his eyes filled with so much concern. Without warning, tears began to flow. I began to shake as I tried to control the tears. Segun was taken aback, he got out of bed and knelt in front of me. He began to kiss my tears away, fondling my hands before scooping me in his arms. I felt like a baby as he consoled me.
My breath became short and raspy. I have to tell him now. I can't take advantage of his caring attitude to hurt him more. I slipped out of his arms and stood in front of him, my head lowered. I couldn't meet his gaze, not now. I don't want to see the hurt in his eyes when I tell him goodbye.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.
I nodded in the affirmative.
He held my hand and led me back to bed. I thought of thousands of ways to start my story, but none seemed plausible enough. How could I tell him that my husband was outside in the cold? That the daughter he had come to love was not his? That the woman he had loved for two years now was a married woman? That she had used him all these while? The pain stabbed at my heart again. I clutched my nightdress tightly to my chest. Suddenly I felt cold, I began to shiver. Sensing my body language, he drew me close to his body.
"It's ok baby, daddy is here for you."
Just then there was a big bang on the door. I sprang to my feet immediately and headed for the door but Segun stopped me.
"I will get it love."
"Nooooo!" I screamed, pulling him back.
He gave me a puzzled look
"Please, let me handle this ok?" I pleaded. He shrugged and watched me walk down the hall to the sitting room.
The journey seem to be eternity. Every step was heavy laden. Scenes of R. Kelly's "Trapped in the closet" played on my mind. I saw myself as the woman in that video. The only difference was that she had a closet to hide her lover while I had none. And I never gave it a thought because I want to deal with it. I could see the silhouette of Nnamdi from the doorstep. The man who picked me up from the gutter but ruined my life. He is like a shadow lurking in the dark, waiting to snatch away any glimpse of light in my life.
Nnamdi came into my life when life meant nothing to me. I had to do what I have to do to survive. I was sharing an apartment with three girls. We were all running from the storms of life, from the circumstances that has threatened to make life miserable for us.
I was an office clerk by day and a prostitute by night. I have to take care of my aging mother and three siblings in the village. My father was a rolling stone, never around to take care of his family, always seen in bars and drinking shacks. Eversince he lost his job as security guard in the bank, he had become a drifter. His death thus was no surprise to the family.
To be continued...
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Monday, 4 April 2011

DON'T FALL IN LOVE!!! Continued...
When you are in love with someone, it goes beyond the feelings. It's more than the butterflies dance in your stomach, the blushing of your cheeks when they are near you, the the mushy and sappy feelings you get when you are with them. It deals more with your DECISION.
Love is experienced through feelings but the true test of love is in your will to make those feelings last by accepting your loved one the way they are. You are not disgusted at their imperfections or irritating habits, rather it makes you smile. In fact, you don't mind the way they are because you love them that way.
Naturally, when two individuals meet for the first time, they try to make the other person fall for them by giving first impressions. Unfortunately, these impressions end up being false because there comes a time when you can't keep up with the niceties anymore.
At this stage, one can easily walk out of the relationship. This indicates that you were just infatuated by the notion of falling in love.
Being in love makes you overlook this shortcomings, rather you are glad you can see him/her from another perspective. You are willing to learn more about him or her.
He/she need not to meet up with your checklist, you just love them the way they are. You are not ashamed to introduce them to your friends and families. You openly show them affection in public. You love him/her for his imperfections.

Being in love makes you selfless, giving, sacrificial, and very very caring. You want to give in your best in the relationship. Y
You find yourself desperate to make your partner happy. You want to share their joy, pain, laughter, absolutely everything with him/her. You are willing to give your all to make them loved and happy. They come first before anything else in your life.
You can cancel your doctor appointment just to go to the mall to pick a delivery for him/ her.
You find yourself loopy and no matter how hard you try, you just can't describe the way you feel.

When you are in love with someone, you feel fulfilled. It's like you are revamping each new day and he/she is the reason.
It's like he/she wants the best for you and you are willing to change. It's like all your dreams and goals are achieved because you are with that special one.
You are extremely happy, joyous, energetic, inspired... You feel you can face the world because you know you got him/her by your side.

With love, you can never have enough. Each moment spent is like a new day. No dull moment! You can never get bored with that special one.
There is always something to talk about, places to go to, new ideas to explore, and of course new ways to make this love last.
You can never be tired of running into him in the mall, park, school, office, restaurant, salon, laundromat...
You are never tired of hearing his/her voice on the phone. For all you care, you don't mind the telephone bills, you can be on phone with him/her forever.
You are not even interested in anyone's company except him/her. In their company, you are real, complete, you are simply yourself.

Lastly, you know you are in love when you can forgive that loved one when they hurt you. Not just forgive but also forget their mistakes.
Relationships are never smooth rides, you are bound to encounter bumps and gallops on your way. In times of conflict, you are willing to resolve and improve on your faults. You don't allow pride to get in the way. You want to make up immediately and throw your differences out of the window.
And even when they walk away, you still look out for their best interest because true love never fade away.
Love is more than how you feel about someone, it's more than illusions. It's simply indescribable, just a strong conviction that you can't shake off.

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Friday, 1 April 2011


It's very easy to fall in love, so easy like a ball sliding down a smooth cliff. Of course you have fallen for him/her, especially when he/she passes every item on your checklist; sexy accent, good sense of humour, impeccable fashion sense, very gallant, travels to exotic places, intelligent, etc.
All these are visible signs that can make your belly perform a ballet dance and your head spin with butterflies. You can't stop screaming that you have fallen in love. You call up your friends, loved ones, family members, and even send a message to your enemy that you have fallen in love!
It's a new and exciting feeling, very thrilling, sentimental, so so so heavenly. You won't stop daydreaming about him/her. And when you are with him/ her, you never want to let go.
You blabber all day about him/her at home, in the office, at school, Facebook, Twitter, My space, you just can't shake the feeling off and you want everyone to be happy for you<and also jealous>

You can fall in love without being in love.
Falling in love is more physical and emotionally attached to someone.
The true test of love is when you go the extra mile. It goes beyond your checklist. It's no longer all about you being loved and cared for but you reciprocating that love with no holds barred.
You are now the lover, the giver, the one who has to sacrifice it all.
Being in love makes you human. It shows that you are indeed a product of love. It takes the flaws of that special one and mould it to perfection. You are not just afte you want but what he/she wants.

While the general saying in a relationship is "one has to give and the other receives" roles are easily changed.
Just like our parents took care of us while we are little, and we take care of them when they are old, so also in relationships. There comes a time when the giver becomes the receiver and d receiver the giver. In essence, each individual gives and receives in relationships.
Falling in love without being in love makes relationship break up before it even started because our main focus is on the fantasies and feelings that are never dependable. Feelings are like our wardrobes. There are times we love the clothes and accessories there and other times, we just want a complete makeover.
The same applies to falling in love. You just can't handle it anymore because you didn't check it out well from the beginning.
So how do I know I'm not just falling in love but in love, you ask?
There is basically no golden rule to it but there are some applicable tips that can guide you.
To be continued...
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN


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Vanessa Sylver.
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN