Thursday, 30 August 2012
THE OTHER LOVER...
It's heartbreaking to say the least. No one want to share her man. We all want to occupy the centre stage in his heart, we want to be his spotlight not some other woman or some damsel in distress.
But when such happens, what do you do? Do you go ranting and threatening the other lover? Do you just sit quietly and accept your fate? Or do you walk out of the relationship in annoyance?
While it is quicker to pick up your cell phone and dial her number, it is better to think properly about the situation before you take any actions.
Sadly, most women think confronting the other woman would solve the problem. But the result of this action don't necessarily yield the desired results. Some confrontations may not be verbal abuse, some could come in forms of threatening messages to the other lover but the endpoint is
Confronting the other lover does not help you keep your relationship. You could choose to be nice to him to win back his love or you could be down right nasty and make him see that you are not some toy he could play with.
You never can tell a man's response concerning your confrontation with his lover. He might think you went overboard and you may end up losing your relationship instead of saving it.
While he may want to pacify you by giving you all sorts of reasons why he strayed, there is a high percentage that he would return to his lover and
make a fool of you. Thus, still giving her the upper hand. If the confrontation happened in his
presence, he might decide to dump you right at the spot.
Before you confront the other lover, here are some things you need to consider:
1. You might want to re-evaluate yourself. What's your position in the relationship? Are you just passive or active in the relationship? Are you the type that doesn't really pay attention to the needs of her man? Do you take him for granted? Do you indirectly push him outside with your constant nagging? Do you value his opinions on personal matters? Do you give him a listening ear or a running mouth?
These questions will not only help you in re-defining yourself in the relationship but will also help you analyse the situation better. If you are not guilty of any of this, then consider the following step...
2. How well do you know your man? Is he the type who gets bored easily? Does he really appreciate you like he professed? Is he really serious with you or you are just one time thing for him? Is he really committed in the relationship? Does he really enjoy your company or pretends he does? Does he really talk to you about his problems? Is he quick to meet up with your needs but shut you out from reaching out to him? Is he flexible or rigid in his actions and decisions? Is he financially stable? Does he meet up with your financial needs? Does he really respect you?
Knowing the type of man you are dating gives you an insight on the type of woman he might want to hang out with.
3. Your level of communication with your man also matters. Communication is very important in relationships and occurs at every level. Be it on the first date or last date, knowing how to communicate with your lover very well helps you to understand him more. Thus, you can easily tell when he is seeing someone else. While some men are experts in having discreet affairs, so also are the women in unravelling the secret codes.
A woman might be blinded at first but with time, she will pick up the signals and act on it. She either freaks out or play dumb just to beat you at your own game. Depending on the level of communication you have with your spouse, it is possible he might confide his relational problems to his lover instead and this gives the other lover an edge over you.
4. You might also want to find out what kind of relationship your man has with this other woman. Is it just platonic or sexual? Often times, women misinterprete their spouse's relationship with the opposite sex. Thus it is important you find out what kind of relationship your man has with this lady. How often do they communicate?
Now don't do the mistake of calling her on the phone, cursing and threatening. This step should be avoided because you might end up embarrassing yourself especially if she knows more about you than you know about her. If your man discusses relational problems with her, you will really have to come up with more than just the 'B' and 'C' words.
5. Now that you know there is another woman in the spotlight, confront your man. Yes, let him know you know about it. There is no use in dying in silence. Let him know that you are hurt by his actions. But you have to be careful while treading on this path. There is no need of you denying him sex or meals simply because you found out about his affair. This will only create more distance between both of you. So why don't you just have a matured discussion with him. Let him know how you feel. If you still want to make things work, then let him know. Let him know that you demand his respect in the relationship.
Now, remember communication is a two way thing, ensure that you also hear him out. Try to find out what led to his actions, (that is, if he can be honest with that). Settle your differences and work it out if possible.
Cheating is inevitable in relationships. If he is not cheating on you sexually, he is emotionally. But I don't think it should end a relationship. I believe there should be a second chance, there should be room for improvement.
Truth is, no one likes to be in a relationship with an unfaithful lover, but these things happen. And when it does, you just have two options: take a walk or make it work. It's your choice, your life, your happiness that is at stake here. Instead of stalking or having cat fights with his lover, why not re-evaluate your relationship and see if the man you are hitting your head on the brick for is worth it. Protecting your territory through confrontations won't keep the bees away. The main work is in your relationship.