Friday, 21 October 2011

WHY WE MUST BREAK UP: Escaping from an abusive relationship.

  Sometimes relationships linger more than is necessary even when it is glaring that its expiry date is long overdue. People stay longer in relationships often out of pity or lack of courage. Sometimes for fear of being hurt or hurting the other person because they feel an inexplicable obligation to the other person. In some cases, the individual stays longer in a relationship because he or she does not know how to break up with his or her partner.
Such kind of relationship often leads to disastrous consequences. One is forced to endure the relationship instead of enjoying it. When a relationship ceases to be mutual or becomes one-sided it is abusive. A relationship becomes abusive when one is forced to act against his or her will. It may be subtle or outright aggressive.
 Consider the following scenario:
You have been in a relationship for a year and the signs are there that both of you are not making headway. You know you are unhappy with him, but he is clinging to you for everything, he adores you no doubt. You feel you have to let go because the relationship just don't tick. You have tried to make amends for his table manners, silly remarks while hanging out with friends; you hate the way he snores and his unkempt attitude gets to your nerves in such an annoying manner. You have confronted him on so many occasions but he just wouldn't change even when he has given his word to do just that. 
Sometimes he is abusing you physically, he comes home drunk, beat the hell out of you then rape you. You go to bed in pains, crying your heart out, wishing you could get the hell out of the room. He is awakened by your sobs, he shouts down at you again and you cringed in fear. The next morning he is apologetic, telling you he was possessed by an evil spirit or he was too inebriated to act rationally. He comes home with rose flowers, taking care of you like a baby. In the end, you finally warm up to him.
You are confused. You have talked to friends and family about it. Some asked you to quit while others asked you to trudge on. You are in a dilemma. You want to move on but he is just not giving you the opportunity. Anytime you bring up the topic he becomes evasive, giving you all those heart wrenching pleas and mushy love words. You look deep in his eyes, seeing the genuine love he has for you. You are touched by his deep feelings for you. You tell yourself things will get better; no, you hope things will get better. You make up with him by taking him to dinner or perhaps he decides to prepare a sumptuous dinner for you. 
For two weeks (maximum), you notice some improvements in him. You tell yourself that he is indeed changing. All of a sudden, wham! He is back to his old self; you ignore him for a while, hoping with time he will adjust. Yet, a month gone and he is definitely not making any change. In exasperation, you confront him again and the old routine starts all over again.
 Do you find yourself in such a dilemma?
How long are you going to keep up with this?

The above scenario is a typical kind of abusive relationship faced by couples. Understanding the type of abusive relationship you are in enables the abused to break off from the relationship. Some people are in an abusive relationship but hardly aware of it because it looks normal to them. To an average person, a relationship is only abusive when there is physical force or violence. This is a wrong conception because there are various forms of abusive relationship which will be discussed in this article. Once one is able to identify the type of abusive relationship he or she is in, he or she is one step ahead of escaping from such relationship. The following are different forms of abusive relationships.

Most common type of abusive relationship is the physical abuse which involves violence and forceful submission to your partner's bidding. Nevertheless a continuous infidelity in a relationship can be abusive especially when it is being taken for granted. If your partner is the promiscuous type and expects you to tolerate it despite his or her weak attempts to change, you are being abused. 
Such kind of relationship is an emotional abusive relationship. This kind of relationship is not that common because of its subtle nature. The abused hardly knows that he or she is going through such. The abuser feeds on the emotions of the abused such as the abused weaknesses or vulnerabilities. It always kicks off on an innocent note and gradually leads to abuse. Emotional abusive relationship always leaves the abused depressed, isolated, dependent and low self-esteem. The abuser displays all kinds of emotional tantrums and expects the abused to handle it. These emotions range from anger, pride, moodiness, infidelity among others. An emotional abusive relationship could be verbal at times such as name calling, yelling, jesting or an outright disregard of one's opinion. 
Emotionally abusive relationship comes in various forms such as humiliation, denial, intimidation, criticism, over reliance etc. The tricky feature of this kind of relationship is that the abused is unaware of what his or her emotions is subject to. It always looks harmless from the outside. An unfaithful spouse may not know that he is emotionally abusing his or her partner until it becomes a habit. He becomes remorseful and filled with so much guilt. With a determination to change for the better, he confesses his sins to the partner. With a contrite heart he promises not to stray again. He may mean this but; because he cannot control his sexual appetite, he goes back to the game sooner than he had anticipated. 
On the other hand, the abused is hurt by her partner's promiscuity but touched by his humility and sincerity. She feels since he was man enough to openly confess his sins to her, she feels obliged to forgive him. In fact, it was better he told her about his betrayal than for her to have found out from another source. 
Taking his word, she gives him another chance. At first, she notices the change and is proud of herself. She believes he must really be in love with her because of his act of sincerity. And that's how she gives her trust away to him. 
Once the abuser realizes that he has gained the abused trust, he becomes relaxed and in a short while, goes back to the adulterous habit and the whole cycle starts all over again until it results to violence. 
Another form of emotional abusive relationship can be the subjection of one to his or her partner’s emotional needs. In this case, there is over reliance on the abused emotions, at the same time, denying the abused the right to satisfy his or her emotional needs.
 In some cases, the abuse could be subtle and disguised. The abuser may pretend to offer emotional support to the abused meanwhile he is cunningly brain washing the abused. It becomes abusive when the abused becomes dependent on the abuser which can give the abuser the dominion to intimidate, humiliate and isolate the abused from her friends and family.
 In a mentally abusive relationship, the self-esteem of the abused is degraded. The abuser works on the judgment of the abused such that the abused thinks his or her opinion is baseless. The abuser sees his or her opinions as irrelevant as a result of the belittling he or she has suffered from his or her partner.
In this type of relationship, the abused has no say in any issue. The abuser can destroy the self image of the abused through verbal abuse such as name calling, yelling, screaming etc. Through these actions, the abuser constantly finds himself or herself thinking if his opinions or judgments are accurate. When he can’t find an absolute answer to such questions, he relies on the opinion of the abuser which is usually imposed on him or her. The abused in other words does not have a say in any issue in the relationship. All decisions regarding the relationship are made by the abuser with little or no regard of the abuser position in the concerned issue. This makes the abused withdrawn and intimidated. He or she cringes in fear when an argument is raised and becomes unnervingly silent. The self-esteem of the abused is affected as he or she is treated like a non -entity instead of a partner in the relationship.
The general concept of a sexually abusive relationship is usually rape. Though it is the common type of sexually abusive relationship, it goes beyond that. A relationship could be sexually abusive if one is denied sexual gratification or when being subjected to devious sexual practices. Any form of denial in a relationship that is not geared towards a positive outcome in a relationship is abusive.
When one is denied of sexual gratification in a relationship, especially in marriages, it creates room for marital problems. Sex is an important part of marriage. In fact, it is what helps to keep the marriage stronger. Don’t get me wrong, sex is God’s gift to man in marriage. It goes beyond the physical attraction or lustful desires. There is a bonding that takes place when one has a sexual intercourse with his or her partner especially when the feelings are genuine. Sex is not only made for procreation, it is also meant for relaxation and has proved to be therapeutic.
When sex is denied or not enjoyed in a relationship there will be problems as one may be tempted to look elsewhere for sex. If a faithful partner is denied sex in a relationship, he or she becomes sexually depressed. He or she is deprived the joy of marriage.
Sexual abuse also occurs when one is subjected to devious sexual practice by one’s partner. We all have our various sexual fetishes but when It becomes extreme or when one’s partner does not agree to such sexual acts, it becomes a problem. Thus, it is always advisable that couples understand their sexual needs in order to avoid sexual issues in their relationships.
Financially abusive relationship occurs when the financial needs are the sole responsibility of one partner or when one is deprived of his or her financial needs and security. Sometimes, it is in form of theft. A partner can steal from the other with no remorse; this is an abuse to the partner. There are cases where the abused credit cards, financial statement are denied from him or her. The abuser takes dominion of the abused statement of accounts and other financial needs.
In some extreme cases, the abuser controls the way or manner the abused spends his or her money. I was once told a story where a man deprived his wife of making household purchases because he wanted to be in control of all the financial matters in the home. If the wife is to prepare rice for dinner, he denies the wife access to buy the ingredients for the meal. In fact, he prefers to go to the grocery store himself, get the necessary ingredients and bring it home to his wife.
In a normal relationship, the couple can choose to share the financial responsibilities between each other. When the financial needs are met by only person, it becomes abusive. There should be a shared responsibility of the financial needs in a relationship. The man should not carry the burden alone neither should the woman be idle and contribute nothing to the relationship.   
Physically abusive relationship is the common type of abusive relationships. It makes use of physical force or violence such as harsh beatings, excessive bullying, or in some extreme cases, manslaughter. The victims of this kind of relationship are usually the women. There are a high percentage of women who undergo physical abuse from men in their relationships. Such men are considered to be bad tempered, disrespectful and very quick to anger.
This kind of abusive relationship could also be in form of hostage taking. The abuser can hold the abused captive by limiting her movements or activities in the house, isolating her from friends and family, torturing her by instigating fear in her at the slightest opportunity. The abuser lives in perpetual fear until someone comes to her aid or she is brave enough to break up from such relationship  
Break ups are inevitable and are not monstrous as some people had conjured it to be. Break ups gives room for improvement, one way or the other it works out for your own good, and.... there's no rule that says you can't get back together. You just have to make sure that you have worked out your differences. 
Human beings are complex animals. One cannot study an individual completely because we are susceptible to change. Like the popular saying goes, "love is not a destination but a journey" people change in relationships. The man you knew when he began dating you can change overnight. And if you are not careful, he might become a burden to you.

My advice: 
Always communicate with your partner:
Endeavor to know your partner as much as you can and always encourage communication.  Some people rush into a relationship without knowing much about their partner, they allow their emotions to get in the way of their thinking.
Communication is the key to everything in a relationship. You should learn to talk to your partner, thrash out those issues that are causing conflicts in your relationship.  Do not develop the habit of talking only when there is a problem in your relationship. Talk at all times and in any place; look out for some hidden traits that will not be easily noticed. Understand his mood swings and mannerisms. Never hesitate to raise any issue of concern.
When communicating with your partner, do not shout at him or her or try to impose your opinion on them. Communication is not only about one talking, you should also endeavour to listen as well but always talk when he is not making any move to do the talking. Never and I repeat never take any serious issue for granted. Make him listen to you in whatever manner you can. Devise a way to make him listen to your concerns so you don’t appear to be nagging.
Mean it this time:
Break-ups are never easy to handle because it involves a lot of emotions. While you are trying to save your heart, you are also considering how not to hurt the other person. 
Remember, there is no way it won't hurt, so don't give in to the display of painful emotions. Your partner can use this against you especially if it is not the first time you are trying to break up with him. Make sure this time you really mean it, that you are ready to move on and not just acting like you are ready. 
Don't give in to your emotions; don't let his plea, teary eyes, irrational behavior or threats get to you. Stand your ground. Let him know that there is no turning back, that unless he is willing to change you might reconsider him but at the moment, you just have to find your own way. 
Stop looking for the right time:
Some people are always looking for the right time to break up with a partner. They try to figure out the right mood, right environment, right words, and right time of the day.... The fact is that the right time will never come if you keep looking for it. Just have it at the back of your mind that the right time is when you are brave enough to approach him on the subject. It will always hurt so why don't you just get over it once and for all. Whether you choose to tell him before dinner or bedtime or break up with him when he is hanging out with friends, just know that it will hurt and get over with it.

Don't leave a note:
In extreme abusive relationship when the victim is held in hostage, the best option one can take is to leave a note or escape as soon as possible. In other cases, be brave enough to break up that stronghold, those shackles on your feet, set your mind and soul free by letting him know that you are no coward,  that you are strong enough to walk out of this relationship. If you can't do it alone, have a friend to be with you. Your friend need not say anything. Just an occasional nod of the head or a soft stroke on the arm or thigh, a pat on the shoulder or an encouraging look is all you need. Just find your inner strength and use it. 

State the basics:
When ending an abusive relationship, the best advice is to sever any line of communication between you and him for your own protection. However if the reverse is the case, then you have to let your partner know if he can still access you or not. If you think you still carry a torch for him and would love to work things out if he is willing to, and then let him know. If not, let him know too. Don't leave any page unturned. Make sure you got all covered up. Let him know the extent of your friendship with him and make sure you stick to it, though there may be times when you will have to break one or two rules but don't overdo it. 
Always talk to someone:
People in abusive relationships always find it embarrassing to tell friends and families about their ordeal in the relationships. They feel humiliated or pathetic because of their pride or fear. The good thing about telling someone about your experience is that you get help quickly.
Don’t just pretend that everything is alright in your relationship when in reality you are living in a lion’s den. Look for someone you can confide in, someone you know is in a position to help you, someone that have your good interests at heart. Never let fear or ego mar your escape route.  Look for help in any way you can. Share your burden with someone who you can rely on.
Redefine yourself:
After ending an abusive relationship, the next step is to redefine yourself. Take time to go through your past relationship, look out for the telltale signs you ignored, know your vulnerability and work on it. Ask yourself what you want in a relationship; in fact, are you ready to step into a new relationship? Don't waste your time wallowing in self-pity. Have a new start, build your self-esteem, set your new priorities, set standards for yourself, get back on your feet and let the whole world know that you are a survivor.

Relationships are meant to build you and not destroy you. They are to prepare you for future. Don't let anyone, absolutely anyone make your relationship a living hell for you.

Sunday, 16 October 2011


She had never been this close
Her heart beat wildly
Even the thought of his touch
Made her quiver.

His hand wandered down her body
He gently played with her breasts
She sought his mouth
They met in a kiss, their tongues exploring.

She could feel her nipples hardening
He was so close to her, she could feel his warmth
She occasionally shivered, but it wasn’t from cold
It was more from the anticipation of what was to come.

He guided her to the bathroom
Where he had prepared a spa
Bubbles floated around
Two glasses of champagne sat at the side

He looked into her eyes
And when he saw only love there,
He gradually peeled off her clothes
Kissing and caressing as he did

She removed his….
Gently touching and exploring his body
They then entered the bath tub
Tasting the bubbles of champagne

At first she felt awkward
Not sure of what to do
But he soon calmed her nerves
And continued kissing and caressing her.

He guided her hand to touch him
Instructed her on how she should move
Then his hand sought her love spot
And his fingers lingered there

She soon became lost in the bliss
She could feel only excitement
Her hand gripped tighter
As her body began to soar

His hand moved all over her
Caressing and exciting her some more
He could feel his own feelings growing
And stronger it grew

When he knew he could take it no more,
He gently helped her out of the tub
They dried each other up, an urgency in their actions
They moved as one to the bed.

He was burning now with desire
Her soft body only made him more so
She looked upon him and shivered
No longer a desire to resist.

He lay her upon the bed
And kissed her from head to toe
His tongue gently caressed her mound
Finding the entrance and going in

She moaned and arched as he entered………..

Damn…….was that the alarm?

Noooooooooo…….Only a dream again!
By Elijah Ekow Atta-Aidoo 

Sunday, 9 October 2011

His poem to me...

Hi everyone, today is my birthday and my sweetheart dedicated this poem to me....
Hmmm..... I'm loving every line.

Read and enjoy!


Come,let me kiss your lips

And cease your words

So I can tell you how much you mean to me

Let me kiss your eye brow

And let you know

That the beard cannot say it is older than the eye brow

Aside almighty God in the highest heavens, in all I do,you come first

Let me kiss your neck my love

So I remember to support you always

Like the neck; the head

Let me kiss your hand

Which is softer than rare Persian fur

And murmur how with mine I will hold and

Catch you when you fall

Let me kiss your ear Onyinyechi

So you know your voice is the only music I love to hear and listen to

Let me kiss your cheeks

So I can tell you how your presence brews a smile

In my soul and inflate my cheeks

Like hot air to a balloon set on sail

Let me plant a kiss on both shoulders

So you know you can lean on me in times of difficulty

Let me kiss your fair legs

So you know I'll go anywhere for you

Allow me brush my lips on your chest

And kiss your lovely breasts

So your rythmic heart beat will be the voice I respond to

Come here so I can kiss you me love

And tell the whole world you are and will forever be

The only woman for me
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I love you Obioha (Afro Juice),the heavens bear me witness...

I'm so glad I found you,so so glad....

Happy Birthday to you

My Confessor;

My Nurse;

My Teacher;

My Igbo Queen;

My Angel;

~Vanessa Onyinyechi Obioha~

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Thursday, 6 October 2011


There is nothing as unromantic as body odour. If any young man or woman is to be asked of the three things that they find very unattractive in a partner, I’m sure body odour would not fail to make the list. There is nothing as a total turn-off as any part of the body that reeks of foul smell, be it from the armpit, the mouth or the private parts. Let us look at this from this typical scenario>>>

A young guy meets this wonderful lady, and for a while admired her, they both met many times at parties and other social gatherings, he approached her for an outing. After a few days of dating you began to have cold feet. She has body odour that you don’t like, and for you it’s a big NO NO.

You haven’t’ kissed, yet, slept or even gotten intimately closed, well, you almost did, till that moment finally came, and the rude shock got you hesitating.  She had already agreed to your proposal and fallen hard, calls you every day, and wonders why you don’t call or return her calls anymore.  But she is not picking the cue, and a couple of days later you heard the rumour from her friends, that she says you’re a coward, but hell no you’re not, you say to yourself. The hard truth is, she stinks, and for you, body odour is the deal breaker.  Well, don’t feel guilty about it, or not pursuing a relationship, but it’s not completely cool for you to completely dump her, or ignore her, like she is a hot mess, and don’t’ forget that, such sensitive things as body odour or personal hygiene can be said easily to a partner you’ve dated in a long while, or a child for that matter, and it’s always hard to tell a non-related person, acquaintance or any person you just met recently.                       

                                        “NEVER ALLOW ODOUR SPOIL THOSE MAGIC MOMENTS”    

Body chemistry is known to play a very crucial role in the bond between the opposite sexes. A human being’s sense of smell is usually more powerful than we’re even conscious of sometimes. Truth is, you can be attracted to almost anyone just because of their body scent and not even realize it. This is where it gets difficult to maintain an intimate relationship or get close and personal when a partner has any unruly body odour coming from their body, and it gets worse when they refuse to listen or heed to advice to get help or even tackle the situation.  A smelly boxer shorts, or socks by a man, or dirty lingerie made worst by a sweaty body that is carried to the intimacy of the bedroom shows total disrespect, carelessness on the side of the offender, and plain laziness. It takes any pleasure of the lovemaking away even before the party starts, and worst it can affect the offended one’s sexual performance and or mental psyche. It even get exasperating when the offended partner decides not to talk about it and bottles it up.

Whatever the situation, there is always a way out. Wouldn't you want to taste good and smell nice for your partner at all times during your special late night sessions? By minimizing the factors that may be causing body odour, and changing a few eating habit, things should get better, hopefully.

First, learn the habit of taking a shower more often, at least twice every 24 hours or a day, it doesn't matter if you sweat a lot or not, lovemaking is a blissfully sacred act that requires cleanliness at all physical levels of your being, and invest in some good cosmetic products such as body creams, deodorant and Cologne, some are specially made for such problems, such as foot spray for smelly feet.

Everyone sweat to some degree, sweat is known to increase moisture in the pubic area, if there is lots of moisture for longer periods of time, there is only one result--odour.

This could be as a result of a hard day's work, or wearing heavy clothing. This same sweaty odour is what we get in our underarms and especially in between our thighs.

In our private parts, especially of women, any pungent odour from the vagina could be as a result of bacterial activity, or worst, a sexually transmitted infection, this can give the vagina a fishy body odour and in extreme cases a highly pungent rotten-like stench, this must be taking to a professional health worker to verify soon as it is noticed.

Men and women are also known to develop yeast infection which causes pubic hair odour. This odour is usually bread like but not a sexually transmitted disease.

If you smoke, please learn to quit. Smoke stains trapped inside the body come out through the pores, and lungs. It is also believed that many of the things that affect body odour are believed to affect the taste of semen as well, for instance, alcohol, and coffee are considered to give a man's semen a bitter, pungent taste, likewise the excess intake of garlic, and onions.

Body odour is not foul smelling all the time, each person has their own natural body odour, it is inherent in every being, and that of men is known to help attract women in the form of pheromones. However, when one fails to stay hygienic, then the problem creeps up.

Attitudes, problems and habits can take long a time to fix, and sometimes it is just plain impossible, but going that extra mile to see to it that the problem is fixed not only shows how conscious you are of your body, but also how much you really love and care about your partner's feelings and needs. So never get upset when that loved one speaks his or her mind over it, offended partner also need to show some support in every step of the way by showing understanding and being tolerant.

You can be as beautiful as any beautiful thing in the world, hardworking a 'genius' in bed, all the works, but that body odour will always be a romantic turn-off, so deal with it NOW.

An article by Precious Kweku Obeng. ©