Tuesday, 30 October 2012


Won't it be nice to pay back your cheating spouse in his or her own coin? That will feel good, right? But what if by the end of the day, the expected feeling of satisfaction is missing, does your act of cheating back on your partner yield any justification? Let's consider the following scenario.

Kemi just found out that her husband of three years had been cheating on her for a year now with his ex-girlfriend. She mistakenly stumbled on some text messages exchanged between them on his phone. She is furious and felt betrayed. Unable to keep the shock to herself, she attacked her husband as a way of confrontation. Calling him names and accusing him of betraying her trust in him. Instead of getting a repentant husband, she rather got an unremorseful husband, and this made her angrier. After all the time and energy she had invested in their marriage and her reward is cheating??? The shock of this sudden revelation got her festering with anger inside. It was still unbelievable that her husband would cheat on her after everything they had been through together. Each night as she lay beside him, she wondered how he could still sleep so soundly while she nurtures the hurt of his betrayal. It seems so unfair. He should be worried too. If he is not feeling bad about it, then she should make him pay one way or the other. The pain and anger inside of her is building up inside and she needed to vent it out somehow but don't know how.

The only way she feels she would be even with her husband is if she gives him a taste of his own pudding: cheat on him.

Mike is also entertaining the idea of cheating on his girlfriend whom he suspects is having a secret affair with her boss in the office. Though he hadn't caught them red-handed but her attitude towards him had changed. She no longer respect his opinions and was always with her boss; either on phone or in the office. The wonderful presents and tips her boss sent to her confirmed his worst fears that they are indeed having an affair.
Feeling hurt and used, Mike feels there was no need trying to work on the relationship, he will probably have an affair too to feel good.
Is this really a wise idea?

At first, it feels great to pay back cheating with cheating but the end product is what matters.
If you cheat on your cheating partner, you might feel good. He cheats, I cheat. It becomes a game or competition, who will surrender.
It will also give you an air of freedom. You feel empowered. Why should I be the one to condone his/her cheating. If they are not feeling remorseful about it, then I should do the same.
These are all wonderful momentary feelings
If by the end of the day, you don't get justification of the hurt you feel inside, then you are back to square one.
No one likes to be cheated on and we(women) are tired of hearing it's the man's world to cheat. Cheating is bad for relationships, and enough of the "it's a mistake" because we know it's actually a choice.

Learning how to deal with a cheating spouse is imperative if you want to have a long lasting relationship. Cheating back on your partner will only aggravate the matter and if the truth be told, there is no actual good feeling about it.

For you to overcome this problem, you might want to discuss it with your partner and let them know how you feel about it. If it's too unbearable for you to bear, let him give you time and space to think over it.

The next step is to make a decision, which is either to help your partner overcome it or to go your separate ways. I hope you choose the former. Relationships or marriages don't have to end in cheating. There should be room for second chance unless your partner is a total jerk.

Once you've made up your mind on what to do, then you have to make an agreement with your partner to help you make the relationship better by putting a stop to their affair. This will help the healing process better.

Cheating back on your partner doesn't make you powerful or in control. All you end up doing is getting more hurt. Instead of cheating back on your partner, look for ways to improve your relationship.

Learn to love and appreciate your partner if you have stopped doing that.

Think of romantic ways you can get him/her connected back to you. Go on a date or plan some get- together that will remind him/her of the good times you once shared.

Open up your communication lines. Learn to communicate with your partner at all times. This will help in rebuilding the lost trust.

Remember, forgiveness heals faster than resentment. To err is human, to forgive is divine. Never pay back with cheating. It will only hurt you more.

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN


  1. Ms VAY Diary
    One element still missing in reconciliation or stopping the other from cheating is the question: What created the cheating in the first place? No amount of communication (by the way, the word is over used as the cure all), no amount of dinner date,no amount of just talking about it, (talking about what?) or all the psychological mumbo jumbo will resolve the old behavior of cheating.
    Does anyone ever asked, why the wife or girlfriend is sleeping with the boss?
    Does anyone ever asked the man or woman why they cheat?
    Is cheating natural or the way of life in relationship?
    How do we define cheating? Is it before we found out or after we decide the act has taken place?
    ....and more
    If you want my honest opinion, here it is: There is no answer. Cheating was there in our past, it is here now, and it will continue in the future....all we do now is nothing but a bunch of exercises to make us all feel good.
    I rest my case.

    1. You asked some salient questions but I still believe that communication is still the best tool to resolve any problem. All questions u raised can't be answered without communication. When you communicate with someone, you are in a way looking for the cause of the problem. Suppose I catch my man cheating on me, I won't just say "hey dear, I forgive u." or "get the hell out of my life, I don't ever want to see you again."
      Though it might be my first reaction but when I'm calmer, I will go into details. Asking what led to the cheating? Was it something I did wrong?
      If he sees it as a way of life, then it's left for me to make a choice. Either to continue in the relationship.
      So dear, I totally disagree with you that communication doesn't solve anything.
      Can't really say if cheating is natural or some way of life, though some people see it as the latter. Like you rightly said, it has always been there. But does that mean we should fold our hands and do nothing about it?
      Even if communication may seem like a cliché now, it is still better than silence. I rest my case.

    2. I dont belief we humans are capable of communicatimg the truth which included change or face reality. Suppose ur man   said I cheated because I want the other womam? how would you communicate that?

    3. Communication is a broad subject and it's not limited to verbal interactions. Honesty, faithfulness and sincerity all make up communication.

    4. We don;t need to fold our hands and do nothing. What I am saying is that we tend to bury our head in the sand and pretend to communicate about the problem.
      Are we really ready to face the real issue or the cause of the problem or problems?
      If we do, do we or are we ready to change or accept the what is?
      Do we ask ourselves if we are the root of the problem(s)?
      Do we really know how to communicate?
      Now, you see, why I don't see any concrete solution to the matter.
      But I stand ready to accept it if I were wrong
      Good luck in the dreams we all have been dreaming from time immemorial

  2. Nice piece Vanessa....Cheating happens when you don't have enough respect for your partner when you love them for wrong reasons.

    1. Thanks Kas but I don't think that's d only reason people cheat. Sometimes, it just happens...