WHY I CHOSE ABSTINENCE...

I have always thought I was smart when it comes to sex. I would beat my chest and brag to my friends (those who care to listen) that nothing can make me fall victim of sex; be it pregnancy or STDS. That was how meticulous I was when it comes to sex.

Right from my puberty age, I had always being intrigued by sex, thus when I first had it, I knew I had to play it safe if I don't want to hate it. Unlike what we read in books or watch in movies, first time sex is awful... Maybe it's just me but the day I lost my virginity was a hell of a day to me.

However, I made sure whoever my partner was, be it a fling or someone I'm currently dating, uses a condom. Even when we are done, I have to pour water in the condom to ensure there has been no leakage because I couldn't bear the thought of being pregnant.

Despite all my cautious steps, I still found myself pregnant. I was perplexed when the result came out positive. How could it have happened? There was no way I was pregnant. We used protection and I never felt anything flow inside of me.

True, I had been carried away with the passion last time with Femi, a banker I met at Shoprite at Surulere. We had this amazing chemistry on our first date, thus it wasn't a big deal to me to get in bed with him on our fourth date.

It didn't dawn on me to go for a pregnancy test until I noticed the tenderness of my breast. As a precaution, I made it a routine to study my body for any unusual body changes.

That is the disadvantage of pre-marital sex for me. Whether I had safe sex or not, there is this nagging thought that something might have gone wrong. Peace of mind totally eludes me until I see those unfriendly bloody flow. I was always edgy and anxious, afraid that something might have gone wrong. Contraceptives was out of the way since I hate taking drugs. It was either safe sex or nothing. Thus, whenever I felt funny, I would quickly visit the clinic for a pregnancy test or a get a pregnancy strip from a pharmacy store and carry out the test myself, which was much quicker. At the back of mind though, I knew I was not pregnant but sometimes I get this funny feeling that something might have gone wrong during the heat of the passion. Though I have always been proved wrong until now.

Still unable to believe the pregnancy test result, I visited another clinic and it was confirmed that I was pregnant. I couldn't believe I was, I had carried out a urine pregnancy test two weeks ago and it had been negative. How could I be pregnant?

As much as I wanted to believe that there had been a mix up somewhere, I knew I was pregnant. I had missed my period and my breast was tender. This alone was a sign of early pregnancy. Drat! I cussed. How could I have been beaten to my own game. I quickly called Femi to let him know of my latest body status and he told me he will see me later in the evening.

That evening, he didn't show up but called to say that he was working late.
I was furious. I couldn't sleep, eat or think properly. All that kept ringing in my head was what will become of me. How will my parents feel if they found out that their 17 year old daughter is pregnant. It was bound to be hell for me. My dad will definitely disown me. There is no argument in that. Being a well respected deacon in the church, my being pregnant will certainly dent his reputation in the church. My mum won't be that mad but she won't be happy either.

I checked through my period calendar and prayed that a miracle would happen. That my period would appear somehow. I have never been desperate for my period like I was at the moment. I, that usually pray the monthly visitor will not show up for a while due to the cramps that accompanies it now wish for it more than anything ever.

For days I found myself moody, unable to do anything, confused and just distraught. Meanwhile, Femi had told me he was cool with whatever decision I made but I should keep marriage out of it since he is not ready to ply that road yet. I was mad at him. The nonchalant way he told me about his decision got me more infuriated. Was this the "I love you" he was singing to me few weeks ago while he was thrusting in and out of my tunnel? To even make matters worse, he left me at the bar to go watch a football match with his friends. I never felt so stupid in my life as I watch him walk away from "our" responsibility.

While I was busy worrying my big head on what to do, Femi was busy having the time of his life. He would club, hang out with friends, go to work and come back home with nothing to worry about while I, on the hand can't seem to do anything. If I'm not thinking of how to handle my situation, I'm working hard to act normal so that my parents won't notice my body change. I couldn't even hang out with my friends for fear that they might tell on me if not laugh at me. I was in my own world and the stupid idiot who was responsible for it was somewhere having the fun of his life.

I will fringe when I see a mother nursing her baby. I even avoided looking at the baby for fear of guilt. It's like the baby would point an accusing finger at me and tell the whole world that I'm carrying a child. Psychologically, I was losing it. I ponder on how my life would be if I should keep the baby. Though Femi has given his word that he would take care of me but I just don't have faith in his words. If his recent attitude was anything to go by, I think I will be more comfortable on my own. I will spend hours online reading articles on pregnancy and abortion, wondering how I will fit into the society as a "teenage mom."
That, definitely was not in my picture.

After much deliberation, I decided to abort the baby. I couldn't bear the thought of raising a child alone. I was just a teenager, I have no source of income. What would become of my education, career and especially my reputation in the family? I will become the bad egg of the family. How will I cater for my baby? My dad certainly won't lend me a hand. My mum may, but for how long? How will I juggle my education and child together. One thing I was very certain of was that if I had this child, he or she will never lack of love. But the child also needs food, clothes, shelter, how am I supposed to get all these for my child? All these thoughts led me to take the decision on abortion. I just couldn't take it. It was risky I know but I rather do it at this early stage than later.

But as fate would have it, I had a miscarriage two weeks later.
I had a big fall down the staircase on my way to turn the generator on one night and sprained my ankle in the process. At first, I never felt any pain or thought the fall would affect my unborn child in any way until two days later. I had this miserable pain in my lower abdomen. It was as if I wanted to poop but the pain kept cutting through my pelvic region on the right hand side. I was so scared to even cry out for help, all in an attempt to keep the secret away from my parents.

I couldn't sleep that night, I had to call Femi to come but the idiot didn't show up, told me he was far away from home.

Ever since I broke the news of my pregnancy to him, he had been avoiding me, not that I expected more from him, but a little caring wouldn't be a bad idea.

When the pain became unbearable, I had to run to my mum for help. My mum got me some pain killers and sedatives that night so that I could sleep. By morning, the pain had subsided but I woke up to find dirty dry blood stains on my panties. Been a naïve girl, I didn't know what could have happened to me, I just ignored it, thinking maybe it was a dirty blood getting out of my system until late at night when I started bleeding. It now occurred to me to visit my doctor for fear of losing the child.

Since it was late, I had to wait till the following morning to visit the hospital where it was confirmed that I have had an early miscarriage. I was relieved and sad at the same time. Relieved that I didn't have to go through the whole abortion process but sad that I had lost my first child.

I called Femi to tell him the latest update and begged him to come stay with me while the evacuation is carried out but Femi as usual gave me another flimsy excuse. I went into that theatre alone, bore the pain without a hand to reach out to or a soothing voice to assure me that everything will be alright.

It was then I made a decision to abstain from sex. Here I am, paying for the sins I committed with a partner, alone. Was the sex really worth all this pain I'm going through right now? What if I gave up the ghost right now, is this how my destiny will end? Where is the so-called man who used to adore me? Probably hanging out with his friends or maybe sleeping with another girl right now. And here I am, going through this pain, this horrible experience in my life. I shut my eyes as the doctor drill more blood out of my womb.

On my way back home, though on wobbly knees after taking a shot of vitamin K to stop me from bleeding more, I reflected on the advantages of abstinence: I won't have to worry about my period or diseases. I won't have to go jumpy if I don't see my period, I will have peace of mind because I know with or without condom, I can never be pregnant.
"No sex, No pregnancy!" kept ringing in my head throughout the journey.

On getting home, I made posters of my new slogan for life all over my room to remind me that pre-marital sex wasn't worth it at all. I will rather save it than play safe and still be caught in the game. As for that idiot called Femi, he is already history to me. I just hope the next girl on his list will be wiser than me.

Six months counting, I have not had sexual intercourse with any man. No matter how sexually aroused I may be, once I remember what I went through in that clinic 'alone', I knew I will be safe without the trouble of unwanted pregnancy or STDs!

To all the teenage girls out there, let this be your watchword: No sex, No pregnancy!

DISCLAIMER:
The above story is fiction and does not relate to any real-life character. Any similarity to reality is a mere coincidence.