Monday, 23 May 2011

Two monsters of insecurity: Jealousy and Low Self-esteem

A painful break-up always leave us with loads of insecurities, and this in turn can wreck havoc in our new relationship if we allow it. Insecurity could spawn up unnecessary damage that we could have controlled if we had fought against it instead of listening to that doubtful voice.
Insecurity has a way of showing up from that very first date. Maybe, you had vowed never to date again after that awful experience in your past relationship, to wallow in self-pity, or to be on guard when next you are in a new relationship. So when he/she starts acting nice or making lovely comments, you become alert. You began to watch out for signs that will put him/her in the spotlight.
While these may be good measures to save yourself from a heartbreak, it is important to know that heartbreak is inevitable. It is what makes you human, it makes you mature in love. There is no happily-ever-after without pain.
Insecurity could spring up from abandonment, mistrust, jealousy, low self-esteem, doubt and fear. This article is focusing on jealousy and low self-esteem.

Jealousy is a very big sign of insecurity. It could spring up from lack of appreciation in your past relationship, hurtful words that had wrecked your self-esteem. It is creating scenarios of your partner hurting you when there is none. Seeing anyone closer to your partner as a rival. Being excessively possessive. You start chasing shadows when there is none. You start trying to control the
one you are with for fear that he/she may abandon you like the other person did. You start looking for issues when there is none. If he or she make an ordinary statement, you will want to read meaning to it. This automatically make you more nagging, demanding and eventually unbearable. You began to harbour destructive thoughts that will do you more harm than good. You become unnecessarily possessive.
If your partner is one that is not tolerant, he or she will easily flare up and say more hurtful things that will damage your self-image.

It is important to note that jealousy will also make you lose friends and loved ones. Jealousy speaks volumes of your insecurity and his/her friends are always the first to notice. Soon tongues will start wagging and then you will become an obstacle to them.
You will deprive your partner from enjoying love and friendship as well. And when he or she does, you will become the recipient of their anger and frustration.

Low self-esteem could also lead to jealousy. When you don't believe in yourself. When you don't have that confidence that you are worth something. A look down at yourself could make you cringe when your partner hugs someone of the opposite sex. It will make you distance yourself from him or her because you are not confident of yourself. It makes you lose intimacy and romance in your relationships because you are busy looking at your flaws instead of appreciating your beauty. You began to give excuses why he or she shouldn't be with you. Don't you think he or she already knows that before they ask you out?

Low self-esteem makes you lose the opportunity to be loved and appreciated.
Jealousy always portray you as a threat not only to yourself but also to those around you. Nobody wants to handle too much baggage because naturally we have our own insecurities. Adding yours to the list is certainly going to make the ride bumpy.


Let go! Try to channel those spiteful thoughts into something else. If you are scared that he or she is spending more time with their co-worker or the girl next door, or maybe he or she enjoys his friends company more than yours, the best thing you can do is to get close to that person. Find out things about him or her that makes your partner spend more time with him or her.You must know that the door will not be easily opened so you have to do it deftly. While you can't walk in someone's shoes, you can learn to walk like them.
If you are too suspicious and certain that something is cooking up between your partner and that other man or woman, you may want to come up with a devious plan to assuage your fears. Why not hook him/her up with a good looking friend he/she does not know. Watch how he/ she is able to handle the temptation. And NEVER give yourself away. Don't ask too many questions and don't act presumptuous. If you do, it will ruin your mission.Be your normal self and watch from the backstage. Don't push too hard if he/she is not falling for it because you might end up making them do it out of their will.

Communicate more.
Talk to him/her about your fears. Try to find out what he/she likes. This will strenghten you.
Communication helps you to confront your fears and unleash those nagging doubts. You will even be surprised to find out that your partner also have his or her insecurities. Knowing this will help you to appreciate them and build trust.Never be afraid to let him or her know your true feelings and how you want things to work in your relationship. Though you may want to be careful about the things you discuss for fear that you may reveal too much or be too open-minded which can give him/her access to hurt you. However, letting out your fears to him or her and letting him/her know how much you care about them still pay off at the end of the day.
This will help to build up trust and your level of understanding will also be increased.

You must also be able to identify the cause of your jealousy. Why are you jealous? Is it because of the way you look at yourself? Or the way he looks at you? What is that nagging doubt in your mind? What are you afraid of?
Once you are able to answer these questions, you are already a step ahead to conquering jealousy.

Try to change your perspective. Try to identify your gifts than dwelling on your flaws. Ask him or her what attracted them to you. This is a foundation to building up a good image for you. No matter the hurtful things you experienced in your past relationship, let it go and open yourself to another world of love. Put in your best. Learn to change those negative thoughts about yourself into positive ones.
Instead of dwelling on jealousy why don't you turn it into flattery. Instead of getting jumpy when he or she passes a harmless compliment to someone of the opposite sex, why not comfort yourself with the fact that you are the only person spending the night with him. The mere fact that he or she spends more quality time with you than anyone else should assuage your fears.
Sometimes it is advisable you go for a therapy especially if your cause of jealousy stems up from experience in the past relationship. This will help you to confront your fears and deal with them. It is a mental, emotional and physical liberation.

The awful truth is that the green-eyed insecurity monster will always rear up his head but it is your determination to shove it down that will conquer it by the end of the day!

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

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