"What has homosexuality done that is worse than the evils facing the continent today and beyond"...says author of Family affairs, IMAFI

Family affairs is an erotica written by IMAFI, the publisher of  "Africa and Beyond" magazine,
 in which he has published several non-fiction articles. He is an indigene of Edo state but live in the States.
 His penchant  for writing led him to write this amazing story about homosexuality with a twist of religion.

Click on the link below to watch the trailer on Youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCtnpvbp0hOBKLUM-mXMJWyQ?feature=mhee

IMAFI, in his book, delicately expressed the need for humans to embrace individualism in order to make the society habitable and free from social problems.He creatively highlights some of the problems faced in our modern family such as acceptance of one's sexuality despite one's religious and cultural beliefs.

The novel which plot was based on the main character, Reverend Shackles, tells a story about a devoted father and Reverend who believed his family was the typical family for his congregation to emulate, until he found out that his teenage daughter was a lesbian.

With gripping themes that surrounds the family and religious beliefs and value systems in the society, such as betrayal, unwanted pregnancy, rape,  suicide, as well as the use of sultry and witty language,  Family affairs promises to be a thought evoking and an emotional literary saga.

In an online chat with me, IMAFI shared his inspiration that led him to embark on such literary voyage. Enjoy!

What inspired you to write this book?
 
IMAFI:

I want to share my thoughts on the intolerance of all children of God against each other when there are many more problems facing mankind on a daily basis.

Is the story a reflection of your personal belief in homosexuality and religion?

IMAFI:

No. I believe we are all God's children and I also believe in the rights of individual to live their lives as they see fit. Again, religion should not discriminate but embrace all mankind.

How long have you been living in the States?

IMAFI:

36 years

Based on your long stay in the States, what is the acceptance level of homosexuality by the church?

IMAFI:

In public, not accepted or openly supported. Some are more understanding
but in general it's still a taboo. To some extent, its generally acceptable.

You focus more on the lesbians in your book, are you among those who think lesbians are cool but gay is a no no?

IMAFI:

At times, homosexuality refers to both gays and lesbians. I had simply focused on lesbianism to make my point about love, tolerance, understanding, and togetherness. 

Some psychologists refer homosexuality as an abnormal behaviour while religious bulwarks especially the Christians see homosexuality as an abomination in sight of God, do you agree with them?

IMAFI:

 No . I do not agree. Even Plato and Aristotle and many of their associates were wrong in their analysis of human behaviour. In the end, who are we to pass judgment on others? I think the Bible addressed that aspect of judge not...


As an African man, do you think homosexuality is a dent to our culture and religion?

IMAFI:

The question is "What culture?" How do we value the importance of culture? "Do we have all the facts that homosexuality was not or has not been part of  our culture? Are we talking about the ones we know and many we may not know amongst us?My point is that culture or no culture, its time we respect individualism because so far, in my opinion, our society has not solve the ever mounting problems facing mankind.
 In recent past, we saw pastors engaging in homosexuality while they publicly condemned it. Hypocrites.


Looking at the way Africans in the diaspora are against homosexuality and the kind of punishment meted out to people with such sexual trait, what's your opinion on that?

IMAFI:

I think these leaders should try to solve more urgent problems facing the continent. What had homosexuality done that are worse than the evils facing the continent today and beyond?
 They should solve the problems of infant mortality, corruption, poverty, education, poor standard of living, citizen abuse, development, religious conflicts...and you name it 

Like you mentioned in your book, the positive side of homosexuality, what are the steps you think can be taken to sensitize  those who are against LGBT in Africa?
 

IMAFI:

Through education, love and understanding. Allowing individualism will go a long way too. We need to love one another starting from families, to those powerless to help  themselves. In the world, there are many homosexuals who are productive just as anyone else.

In your book, you were agitating for "freedom for all" the popular US President political campaign slogan, do you think the same should be applied in the African community?

IMAFI:

Yes. It's time we move with the rest of the world. Its amazing that the same leaders rush to go abroad with their children, wife, and girlfriends, and yet criticise the same country for their progressive ideas. African leaders need to make a clear choice and stop using valuable time to publicise issues inconsequential to the society at large.

What is your own stance in homosexuality based on your religious background?

IMAFI:

I am indifferent. I respect individualism provided they do not abuse others based on their preferences. They are all God's children just as we, the so called "Normal" are children of God.
 

With such a controversial book like this, what are your expectations from the audience and critics as well?

IMAFI:

I hope they would open their minds and soul and make it a subject of discussion for mankind to accommodate, understand, and love....I ask for nothing more.


To purchase this book, click on the link below:
                                                 
                                                    www.familyaffairserotica.com

                                                                  OR
                                                  
                                                    www.familyaffairsnovel.com

SEX ON A FIRST DATE... Why he would ask you for sex on a first date.

SEX ON A FIRST DATE... Why he would ask you for sex on a first date.
Preparing for a first date could be a headache at times especially if you have been anticipating this meeting for a long time. You have to come up with the perfect dress or attitude. It's like you have to keep in check of everything you are doing. From your outfit to the way you smile and all other mannerisms.
But it's not all about your appearance or mannerisms that you are worried about. Other likely turn-ups such as sexual attraction may also make you jittery on a first date.
A first date in this context refers to the first outing you are having with someone you have met earlier or have a conversation with. You may have been having harmless conversations on the phone or through the internet, probably you have been sharing your fantasies online or sexting and just when you are about to make it a reality, you hear this conscious voice asking you if you are doing the right thing. Is this what you want from this date?
Then you start deliberating if you should allow him to kiss you, what extent can you allow him to take liberties with you? You are consumed with so much expectations and fear. You ask yourself what if you give in to this momentary pleasure, will it deprive you of the opportunity to enjoy something much better and lasting? Will he see you as a shag or a cheap lady? What will be his perception about you? And what if he never calls back? What if he never returns your call?
All these are the usual symptoms of anxiety a lady feels when she is going out on a first date with the most constant question being "should I have sex on a first date?"

The conventional advice is never give in on the first date, make him wait, sweat, frustrated and all of that shaky feelings. Let him know that you are not cheap or a shag, make him respect you, value you and appreciate you.
If by not sleeping with him on the first date will make him have a good impression of you, so what happens if you decide to have sex with him on the third or fourth date, will that make him appreciate you more? Will he always come back for more or take you down the aisle?
Chances are he may not call you back or maybe he will call you back. When it comes to sex, men are more sexually inclined than women. An average woman believes that having sex with someone they love takes the relationship to another level, tightens the bond they share, make them more inseparable.
Sadly, this is not the same for men. For a man sex is just what it is: sex! There is a clear difference between sex and love in a man's world. A man's love for a woman is not deepened by sex but a combination of other qualities as his sexual passion diminishes over time
When a man is on a first date with a woman, his demand for sex could be aroused by the following factors:
1. Past conversations: The type of conversation you have with a man before your first date will make him want to ask for sex on the first date. Probably he met you in the mall or in a bar or online and you exchange your number or BB pin or Facebook or twitter account username and get talking. Depending on the pattern of your conversation with him will determine if he will ask you of sex on first date or not. If you have given him the impression that you are the naughty type or probably the adventurous type, he will definitely want to try it out with you because obviously your conversation on the date will be channelled towards your ability to convince him that you were not just bluffing but are what you say you are.
On the other hand, we humans strive to make a first impression, thus exhibiting those fractions of our personality we want people to see. So if you go all naughty on him on the phone and act prudish on first outing that will definitely give him a false impression about you.
However, you may act all professional or natural on him in the virtual world and then go all mushy on him in reality. Then you will make him think that you were just acting and really wanted sex and this may also be a turn off except he is being taunted by that dark voice that says "grab this opportunity, good guys always end up losers" and there is a high possibility that he may never call you back.
The truth is that while we may not want to wash our dirty linens outside for the world to see, it's better we try not to be who we are not because whoever is going to like you will like you whether you give him sex on the first date or last date. It is advisable then you try as much as you can to decipher the character of the person you are hanging out with before you unzip your pants. If you think it doesn't matter to you if he comes back or not. Then be free to do whatever you are comfortable in doing.
2. First place of contact : Your first place of contact with a man will tell if he will ask for sex from you or not. If a man should meet you in the club, he will probably believe he has high chances of sleeping with you on a first date. Especially if he is sexually attracted to you on first sight.
However, with the growing trend of social media such as Facebook, BlackBerry, twitter and others, getting free sex has become easily accessible. These social media has provided the individual a veil to reveal his/ her perverse fantasies. Most people who spend long hours on the internet usually seek for free sex from other online users. While some could be upfront with it by sexting, others start with harmless conversations which are usually professional or social, then deftly manoeuvre into the sex scene. Some may not even border on any sex topic at all.
In the virtual world, never believe everything you see. People give false information about themselves just to get laid. That is why anonymity is a constant trend for perverse stalkers. Internet experts are constantly warning internet users to be careful about the personal information they put online because it is a porous medium.
Depending on where he met you, a man can choose to ask you for sex or not, be it on a shopping mall or at a party.
3. Your manner of dressing: Women are always confused when it comes to dressing up for a first date. They don't really want to look like a decorated masquerade, at the same time, they don't want to look like the beggar from the street. Coming up with the right dress that will send the right message is a top priority for a lady when planning for a first date. However, you may want to be sure of the kind of message you want to pass on while trying out your Armani gorgeous short red gown.
If you are dressed too sexy for a man on a first date, be ready to go down with him because men are more visually inclined to sex. You won't expect him to preach all the way without gawking at your exposed boobs begging to be sucked. A man gotta do what he gotta do...
We all want to look sexy for our first date even though he looks like Shrek. Despite all the pep talk about a woman's beauty stemming from her character, brain but not the appearance, a woman's confidence lies on the way she looks, if not they won't bother buying all the Macs and Mary Kays in the beauty store.
But dressing indecently will not make him have any regard for you. You can dress all covered up and still look sexy. Not till you expose your 50 pounds of flesh on your thighs or the sagging boobs would he get his lips licking. You can dress all chic and be sexy, not only that but will save yourself the exercise of slapping his hands when they stray to your boobs or thighs...
That said, it is absolutely left to you to decide if you want to have sex on a first date or not. If you think it will ruin your chances of having a relationship, then it's better you save it till you are sure your date got good plans for a future with you. But hey, if you are in for the fun... Be my guest and get your freak on...just have at the back of your mind that you ain't getting any younger...

IS SEXTING CHEATING OR FLIRTING?

If you are living in the 21st century and you have a Smartphone or belong to more than one online social networking site, then you are guilty of sexting (unless you are so spiritually alert). Back in the days when the internet was still a bit alien, the only form of showing your affection for someone else other than your partner was either to arrange clandestine meetings or send love letters or poems.

But with the advent of the internet, flirting has become easier with just a click.

The traditional ways of knowing when your partner is cheating on you was through the tell tale signs they usually leave around such as, the new fragrance that he exudes which you know he doesn’t have in his collection, the secret love letter in the pocket of his coat or her handbag, or the lipstick stain on the collar of his shirt or the opened box of condoms on his cupboard which was never sealed the last time you checked. But nowadays, jut snooping round the phone of your lover will reveal to you if they had been faithful lately.
As sexy as the word “sexting” sounds the ears, so also is the desire to try it out.

“Just let me see what I really look like when I climax.”…

 









 "OMG!!! Are my breasts that lovely in pictures?”…

 “Yeah,  check me out!!!.”…

 "Oh baby, I'm so haaaard right now."

“Hey, do you want to see my vejayjay? I’m sure you would love it.”

To aggravate the situation, the internet has promoted the practice of sexting through instant messaging and private messages on Facebook with the Blackberry messenger topping the list. It’s like anyone on the internet has become sexually wired. Anyone hitting on you wants to get a sneaky peek at what he is going to pay for before the real thing.
“Send me a picture of you in the bathroom naked. I want to see what you really look like.”
Hello!!! What happened to my facial picture on my dp?

Human beings are very visual beings, and just like we get turned on by watching our spouse striptease for us before we get tangled in bed, so also do we get turned on through sexting. In fact, such practices at times do help couples to keep the fire burning in their relationships.

Imagine being at a boring meeting at the office when you receive a ping on your Blackberry from your spouse or some girl you‘ve been flirting with on the internet, baring her tunnel of passion for you. Wow! I’m sure the meeting would suddenly become lively for you.
Now the real problem about sexting which had raised issues in relationships is if it is an act of cheating or flirting.
So I decided to send a topless picture of me to someone I met online, so what? Am I cheating or flirting?

Why some people may choose to term flirting as cheating, it really is not if there is no physical act done, just a bit teasing here and there. Can the same be said about sexting which makes use of sexually driven text messages accompanied with pictures or videos at times?
If my boyfriend should get wind of a naked picture I sent to my ex just to prove to him that he lost out on all the goodies, would that be considered as cheating or flirting?
Cheating in relationships on the other hand refers to when your partner decide to have a little more of that something from someone else, either for some selfish reasons, careless decisions, perverse actions or to escape from your lackluster sexual torture. Cheating might not necessarily link to sex, it could be lies or a secret crush you’ve been saving till you finally find a way to execute it.
In fact, couples dictate individually what should be considered a cheating. If so, Should the same apply to sexting?

Personal thoughts: Sexting is cheating to me if he is the one doing it. If he ask for some other lady to send a naked picture of her to him, that is outright disrespect to my womanhood. Why would he want some other naked picture of a bimbo when he can get free viewing rights from me any day and anytime? That will add to my list of insecurities. The next thing, he will be comparing me with her or probably, she will be in his head when we are making out or maybe, he will be telling me how to look to make me more sexually appealing to him. Hell no! If I see any naked picture of him that he sent to some other lady or another lady’s picture on his phone, he is soooo dead!!!

I know you all want to know what if I’m the culprit, should the same judgment be passed on me? Well… you know women like baring it all. Sometimes, you just want to know how sexy you are in someone else eyes aside from your boyfriend. That is not cheating. I know we may never see and it will just be for the fun of the moment. Not that I will do it, but if I have to do it with someone else other than my boyfriend, then just know that I’m just being an attention whore or feeling very insecure. And hey, it doesn’t have to be a guy; it could be my girlfriend.

That said, it solely depends on the grounds on which your relationship is built. If you think sexting is a harmless act and doesn’t poise as a threat to your relationship, cool for you. But, if you feel insecure and scared that it will affect your relationship, then look for a way to put a stop to it. And don’t even think about seizing her phone. Capishe?

Are first love really hard to die????

When the popular Nigerian pop music star, 2face Idibia proposed to his long time girlfriend, the Nollywood actress, Annie Macaulay on Valentine’s day, it aroused mixed feelings from the public as the two has been known to be in an on and off kind of relationship, especially with the notoriety that accompanies 2face's love life. We all know how devastated Annie was when she learnt about her hubby’s libertine nature when they were still dating back in the days but she really didn’t give a damn as the two tied knots on the first week of this month. This came on the heels of one of his baby mamas, Pero Adeniyi delivery of the 6th child of the pop crooner. So why didn't he pop the question to her since he obviously went for round 2? Is it a matter of first love to Annie or what? Why Annie of all the women he has dated?

With his kind of lifestyle, 2face can have any woman of his choice because he got everything a woman needs apart from his poor eloquence in English language. But that didn't deter women to flock around him, not just any woman but classy chics.

I'm still trying to understand why Annie could just accept to marry him knowing his full history of women. Does she trust him that much? Is it a devotion of first love or she just wants to be in the limelight? (We all know women could be crazy at times).

And I’m sure she is still reveling in her glory as the winner of the marital contest between her and other women who had tried to get hitched with the raving pop star.(Annie smiley face: ”I told ya, he is mine”)

Personal thoughts: The popular saying “true love never dies” in my own field of thoughts is long overrated. To some, this expression still means a whole lot to them. This could be true if what you shared with your first love was phenomenal, or maybe the tricks of your first kiss was too magical to forget, or the innocence of that first pure love. If you had any of these, then no doubt, you will always long for your first love. But if the reverse is the case and you were abused emotionally or disrespected, then that expression would be found in the thrash can (I’m speaking for myself oh cos Annie didn’t care about 2face promiscuity)

Trust me, I can’t even imagine me and my first love together… ok, you can tell I’m lying right now because I still do carry a torch for my first love.(I hope he doesn’t read this and my boyfriend shouldn’t take this personal). It’s crazy I know but we all fall victims to this. My first love and 2face share the same professional qualifications in promiscuity. Blame their heart wrenching handsome looks. I always fall for the ladies man; think cupid has a hand in it. But experience had taught me that they are the most troubled among the species of men because of their high demand in the women’s market. And this always makes them more confused and more promiscuous.
Nevertheless, if my first love should walk up to me and ask for my hand in marriage I will say no, because I know he will always stray. Well, all men stray at one point or the other. I may have fallen for his good looks and all that back then but I don’t think that will work for me now. Why you may ask? Because of time and experience.

Time has healed the pain I felt when I found out I wasn’t the only lady in his life. Seriously, no woman want to be the second best even if when they know that there are other women in the picture (obviously, 2face's baby mamas didn’t give a damn).

Thank God I walked away because I have been opportuned to meet better people.
You know the tricky thing about first love is that when they are breaking up with you, you feel you would be helpless without them, you feel your world is going to crumble and life ain’t nothing anymore. And all that is true because it’s hard to let go of that special someone who made you feel like you are the best thing that ever happened in their lives (or you were deceiving yourself that you were). First loves are great but when they become assholes, you just have to let go and move on because there is no law that says you must end up with them.

Moving on gives you the experience to make a better decision in your relationships. Though, it is a wrong thing to do if you keep comparing any new date to your first love or passing quick judgments based on your experience with your first love. What I mean here is that your ability to move on gives you the opportunity to experience something new and probably better. It helps you grow emotionally too and you never can tell, you may be the one to call it quits when you feel you are going through the same phase again. Just be wise about it though.

But if you want to end up like Annie who is blooming in her marital bliss, then have a sticker that reads "first love never dies; I still love you Amy" on your chest. I'm sure they will get the message.
I'm crossing my fingers on the duration of their marriage. Won't be surprised if I hear another baby crying "daddy 2face" very soon and definitely not from his wife.

Dirty diary of a Lagos Chic

Goodbye to innocence

Hi, welcome to my world of men and sex. My parents call me Chinwendu but for ajebo sake you can call me Wendy.

I love men, they intrigue me a lot. Not because they are hot or got what a woman needs to complement her, but just for the fun of sex. They are the best specimen to explore the erotic world. I know most ladies love men for their fame, wealth or their vanity but I just love men for sex. In fact when I see a man I’m attracted to, I will undress him and measure up the size of his penis mentally. He becomes a new adventure to explore.

 I know you are sighing or shaking your head and calling me ashewo but the truth is that I’m not one (hmmm…talk true oh!).  The men I sleep with don't pay me; it’s just for sexual gratification. Let's just say I’m a bit liberal and adventurous. I'm so intrigued by sex to the extent I have had countless mental orgies with the likes of Ramsey Nouah, Majid Michel, John Dumelo and others (when will I get them in my bed sef). Call me weird if you must.

Anyway, I didn’t just jump out of my mum's womb and turn into this Aphrodite. No, I was once a good girl, a very good girl that was deflowered by a good boy. During my teen years, saying the word 'sex' or discussing it within an adult’s earshot will earn you a big slap. It was such a taboo to talk about it unlike now when teenagers (even pre-teen) can talk about sex freely.

In fact, you dare not think about it in front of your parents because they might read your mind. Back then, we avoid watching romantic movies with our parents for fear of being banned from watching TV for the rest of the year. If accidentally, a kissing scene pops up while watching Moonlighting... (Oh boy, you are on your own) check out the immediate excuses or darting glances from your parents. If you want to watch romantic movie then, you have to wait till you are all alone at home or when everyone has gone to bed, then quietly sneak into the sitting room to watch it. But nowadays, internet has made sex easily accessible. Sex is just so ordinary with the new generation (hmmm….feeling old already???).

Ok, I get it, people of my generation may be naive in terms of sexual orientation but we were more disciplined and virginity was a very high virtue. A man need not look far to find a virgin but presently, finding a virgin is like finding a needle in a haystack (who cares about virgins???). There were very few girls back then who were brave enough to explore sex and they were so proud of it. They make the good girls wish they could have sex too but when they remember the ancient mum stern lecture on sex (mimicking my mum’s voice); "if any man touch you, you will get pregnant and destroy your destiny", they will resolve to reading Ikebe Super and Hints to get a peek into the sexual world.

Despite all my good upbringing, I lost my virginity at the age of 16 (Yeeee!) to a 22 year old Corper who was serving in my secondary school back then. Every 'bad girl' (including me) in my school back then had their eyes on him but it was rumored that he was the shy type. I knew he was way out of my league but I never stopped hoping. He usually taught us math which is one of my best. (Say the truth; you liked the subject because you like him). Yeah yeah, that's true but at least I already had interest in the subject before he came into the scene.

I was always punctual in his class, answered questions and was always among the first to submit assignments which was why he was baffled when I came late to his class on this fateful Friday morning, soaked in rain without my assignment. I had never liked geometry, had planned to come earlier to copy the assignment from my friends but the heavy downpour that morning ruined my plans. As a young girl, I was quite aware of my sexuality. With my average height, pretty face and heavily endowed chest and buttocks (who ask u?); I could still make a man drip in his pants.

With my uniform soaked and glued to my chest, my breasts were like ripe apples begging to be touched. This was what caught my teacher's eye. As I stood there explaining my lateness to him, his eyes were glued to my nipples which was very visible in my cotton white shirt because I had no bra on. One of the bad girls cleared her throat and that brought him out of his reverie.

By the end of the day, he had offered to give me after class lessons to help me with my geometry. It was during one of these classes that he explored my tunnel of passion. Meanwhile, he's been taking some liberties such as 'mistakenly' brushing his hand on my breast or stroking my upper arm with soft caresses. This I enjoyed and prayed fervently for the day he will go beyond the casual mistakes. My prayers were finally answered on this fateful Wednesday afternoon.

 One minute he was teaching me, the other minute, his lips were on me like hot coals. I literally burnt under his touch. His hands seems to be everywhere but not doing anything. He will touch my chest, and then withdrew his hand when it made contact with my bra. He will work his way up to my thigh, on touching my panties, he will withdraw. The only thing he was good at was just the kissing. And I wanted more...

As a sharp girl, I stood up and opened the buttons of my shirt. The school was eerily quiet by now. Only the sound of our heartbeats could be heard and the short interlude of the breeze. He gawked at my breasts as the cool afternoon breeze puckered my nipples. Then, he turned away from me, holding his head in his hand.  Ok… what is wrong with him? I hope he didn’t intend to leave me hanging this way. I knew I had to act fast because if I don't, I might lose the moment.

So I drew nearer and thrust my breast to his chest, he gasped. That's better I thought and courageously took his hand and place it on my chest. The bulge in his jeans seems to increase every second. He gingerly started stroking my nipples. I threw my head back as sweet sensations spread through my nerve endings. I was lost in this new feeling and I wanted to explore it all.

I don't know what did the trick but suddenly, he was ravenously touching me, searing hot kisses on my lips, neck, and when finally he captured my nipples, I saw stars. I started to moan but he clasped my mouth. I wanted to touch him too so I opened his shirt to reveal a hairy but not too muscled chest. I stroke his hair and played with his nipple. Each time I flicked my tongue on his nipple, he moans. That excites me and makes me feel in control. So I urged on, stroking and teasing his nipples with my tongue or fingers. I didn't last long because the next thing I knew he shoved me away, quickly shut the classroom doors and windows then returned to lay me on his table, shoving the books to the floor.

He undid his zipper and I saw the ‘matured’ phallus for the first time.  His was short and fat despite his tall frame. All sorts of foreplay ended as he tried to gain entrance to my tunnel. By now, he was panting and perspiring heavily, he kept asking me to show him the way which I certainly have no idea about. His first thrust rang my mother's words into my head. The second thrust made me remember that I have no lie to tell to cover up my lateness back home. The third thrust which made me yell, brought him to climax.

That was it? I asked myself as I watched him roll out tissue to clean himself up. I sat up and watched the gory sight of blood and sperm trickling down my thighs. There was traffic of questions in my head as I tried to recollect myself. Was this sex? Was it the entire rave about sex? Where are all d spark lights and firelights I was supposed to see? I turned angrily to my teacher and told him he better show me he is man enough. I thought he will decline but he had this wicked smile that says he is all game. This time around, he lasted for five minutes, and then he kissed me and told me that I just took his pride away from him. He dressed up and left without a goodbye.

That was the last I saw of him for he left the following morning.  The rumour was that he had applied for transfer to teach in another community for some personal reasons.  I was hurt, deeply hurt especially when all the bad girls kept teasing me that I made him leave because I was a good girl. They told me that a good girl should never sleep with a good boy because they can never learn or enjoy the real pleasures of sex. Is that true diary?

SORRY HONEY, I'M NOT IN THE MOOD...

There is nothing as annoying or frustrating as being given a showdown when you are all geared up to give fireworks. It is excruciatingly  awful to watch your partner turn down your hard rock penis with blood pumping through its veins, ready for some good action. Likewise, it is embarassing to being pushed away or watch a flaccid penis work uninterestingly in your lubricated vagina which suddenly goes dry as a result of lack of interest or arousal.This is a common problem being encountered by couples in the bedroom. Coming home from work expectant of a good bout of sex from your partner or staying home, anticipating a fantastic and erotic love making from your partner could all go sour if your partner is not up to it. This usually lead to problems in your relationship.

 Some people go the extra mile of creating the right scenario, make countless efforts to make him or her give in to your sexual plea, yet no bulging, all you get is the occasional hiss, shoving or " Ooh darling, I'm not in the mood." You become perplexed, you begin to wonder if you had lost your mojo or sex appeal. Don't sweat it, the problem lies in your communication skills and level of understanding you have with your partner.

Good communication is an integral part of a long lasting relationship. Sadly, most couples believe that good communication encompasses just the knowledge of the basic habits, likes and interests of their partner and does not include the sex life of their partner. Even in a global world like ours, most people find it hard to discuss their sex life. This has made it impossible for couples to understand their partner's sexual mood or libido. One's partner lack of interest in sex could be as a result of the following:

TIREDNESS OR DEPRESSION: Coming home late from work could stress one out to think of or initiate sex, so also depression. When your partner is tired or depressed, the only exciting image in their head is the lovely bed where they will rest and shove the stress and problems of the day away. If you are a very sensitive person, you will easily notice the signs and realise that the best gift you can give to your partner at that moment is a gentle squeeze on the shoulders or a massage,  serve him/her dinner, a warm shower and a cuddle. Before you say jack, he or she is already warming up to you. However, if a person is highly depressed, the best option is either to talk, let him/her be or seek therapy.

INCOMPATIBLE LIBIDO: Libido or sex drive varies from one individual to the other. There is no standard libido for any individual. Some have high sex drive while others have low sex drive. For those whose libido is on the high side, sex is never tiring and such demand for it more often from their partner. If the partner does not understand his/her sex drive, he/she may feel abused sexually or just partake in the act without reaching orgasm. The problem becomes apparent as each partner feels cheated. The partner with the high libido feels his/her partner is sexually insufficient while the partner with the low libido feels enslaved to the ravenous sexual appetite of his/her partner. The solution to this is understanding your partner sex drive. While one may think having a partner with the same level of sex drive with you, it is also advisable to know how one can optimize sexual gratification from a partner with a low sex drive. It doesn't always have to be sex.

Foreplay is a good act of lovemaking that can bring one to a pleasurable orgasm, even better than sex. Find out what pleases your partner, their fantasies, their sexual mood, their turn-ons and turn-offs and any other important piece of detail about their sex life. Knowing these details will help you and your partner to have blossom sex life without all the bedroom drama.

LOSS OF SEX APPEAL: There comes a time in your relationship when you feel sexually unattracted to your partner. This may stem up from over-familiarity with your spouse or hypoactive sexual desire(HSD). The latter is common among women who are approaching their menopause or highly depressed. It is characterised by a complete non-desire for sex despite the efforts of the partner to create the right sexual mood to arouse them. This could be a great problem for both partners if help is not immediately sought. On the other hand, one can easily get tired or bored from the same sex routine, it's like there is nothing new in the bedroom and you just want a change, something unusual, spicy, electrifying, skyrocketing. Just cool it down. There is no harm in having such fantasies as long as you are ready to talk to your partner about it. The real harm is when you keep silent about it and look the other way, hoping that some magical Eros or Aphrodite will sweep you off your feet to a land of multiple whooping orgasms. The earlier you tell your partner you want to add colour to your sex life, the higher the chance of making your fantasy a reality.

INFIDELITY: If your partner is getting good sex outside than what you are offering him/her, he/she is bound to give you "I'm not in the mood" attitude. In this case, you have to re-evaluate your sex life with your partner. Have you denied him sex lately? Have you stopped making yourself sexually attractive to your partner? Have you been caught up with other aspects of your life and pay less attention to his/her sexual demands? Any of these could make your partner look elsewhere. Some of us get too relaxed when we are in a stable relationship. We delude ourselves that things will always be or stay the same. We stop taking care of our looks, health and others. This ought not to be so because there are thousands of single men and women who desperately wants to be hooked with someone and if you don't know how to keep your man, they will gladly take him away from you.

Maybe you were not fat when you guys first met or you always want to try something new in the bedroom or stroll to his workplace surprisingly for a quickie, or you dress so seductively that it is impossible for him not to have a hard -on. But now, you don't do any of that anymore. This is the time to have a re-think. Nothing hurt like knowing that your man or woman is getting good sex from someone else other than you, especially when you know you could do better. In order to revive your sex life, you have to get back in the groove. Make yourself absolutely irresistible and this can be effectively implemented when he is in the company of other people. By the time he/she notices how others are flirting with you, they will definitely crawl back to you and take back their position. It mustn't end in the public show, take it to the bedroom, show him/her skills he/she never knew you possess in the bedroom. Literally blow his/her mind away, that way, he will never give you the "I'm not in the mood attitude".

SEX AS GRATIFICATION: To some couples, engaging in a sexual act is more of gratification than an expression of love. It is like a bargaining chip to get something from your spouse. Maybe if he cleans up the dishes, empty the thrash cans, get you a lovely present, then will you feel obliged to give him some steamy sex. Sometimes, sex could be seen as a mere marital obligation. Let's just have sex cos I'm your wife. This is absolutely not what sex is all about. It is the most physical and spiritual means of showing affection to someone you love. When we have sex, it is like we are seeking to physically unite or merge into another human being, to become one with the one you love. You don't have to wait till he gets you a pleasant gift or give you permission to carry out your hidden agenda or help out with the housechores, have sex because you love him, care for him, you want to belong to him.

Sex is not a sin. Only when you abuse it, it becomes one. It is the most wonderful gift God gave to man. Not just for procreation but also for expression of God's love, for fellowship and oneness. Sex should never been seen as a means of gratifying our selfish needs. It is absolutely wrong. Couples should endeavour to understand the role of sex in their relationship from the onset. This will help to erase problems like this.

Generally, there is no straight rule to sex such as with love. We are humans and have our shortcomings. Sexual mood swings will always spring up even if you make a sex timetable, though this could be helpful at times but with time, it becomes routinely and boringly awkward.
The best way to overcome all these is constant communication with your partner on your sex life. Let him know your turn-ons and turn-offs. Try out new things in the bedroom, make it spicy, colourful, breath taking, and just anything that will make your partner hold on tightly to you and will never want to let you go. Now it doesn't have to be sex all the way. You can decide to have a romantic date or foreplay. This equally will leave an indescribable, indelible and inexorable feeling.
Mutual understanding between you and your partner also help to break down these mood swings. When you have complete understanding of your partner's physical, psychological, sexual and spiritual being, it helps to control the mood swings. You will be able to tell when to sing a ballad or to go rock n' roll with friends.

If the mood swings becomes consistent, then you should seek therapy, but if not, let the fireworks begins!!! And that's how it is in Vay's world!!!

BELATED VALENTINE GIFT

HELLO EVERYONE,
It's been  a while since I came here, i think this is the first time in this year i'm posting something . Oh dear.... please do forgive me, I have been busy chasing things (Or is it the other way around?). Anyway, Im here now and I will be giving you all the spicy gist, tips and advice on relationships. but before I continue, happy new year to everyone out there and welcome to the month of March. Hope all your endeavours will be fruitful this month. i wanted to post this article on Valentine's day but I fell ill and couldn't post it (and it's not early morning sickness). So here it is, it was supposed to be my valentine gift to each and everyone of you out there. I hope you enjoy it....

 MAKE THIS VALENTINE COUNT!!!

     Love is a very strong phenomenon. It is very enigmatic and compelling. Many philosophers had tried to define love both in its simplicity and complexity.  Yet, there is no particular word or phrase that can encompass the true nature and depth of love. It is more than a feeling, words or thoughts. It is beyond the physical being of man but the existence of man depends on it.

   Though love is more than a feeling, it evokes a lot of emotions which are triggered by the subject’s valuation of the object. Emotions vary based on the perception and valuation of one’s character. Just as love is a feeling, so also are anger, fear, hurt, thus when the one we love hurts us, it triggers a feeling of despair, pain, denial, or bitterness.

    It is easier to sublime into a state of denial when we are hurt by a loved one or ostracize the physical and mental being from our immediate environment. It is possible to torture one's self in an attempt to cure the madness or impose a disciplinary action to teach one never to make a mistake of falling n love again. These feelings of hurt and pain can come from anybody, doesn't necessarily have to be the person you are in relationship with. This could be from a parent, a sibling, a close relative, a child or from a total stranger.

   A wife can be hurt by her unfaithful husband actions and may decide never to trust him again, a single guy can be hurt by his girlfriend didn’t return his love, just like a mother can decide not to care for a disobedient child. A person can be trodden with a load of guilt because he feels he is responsible for the pain of another.

   With all these feelings of hurt, it is easier to decide to stay away from those who have hurt us and forget about their very existence. We may not want to forgive them for the hurt, betrayal pain they have inflicted on us. Seeing that person or talking to that person could be poisonous to us because it triggers the painful memory of their lies, betrayal and hurt to the point that we are unable to stand them, thus, they cannot be forgiven. we delude ourselves that not caring or communicating with them makes it easier for the pain to heal.  

     We all are human beings and we have our shortcomings and foibles, no one is perfect thus we are prone to hurting people as well as being hurt even when it is not intentional. But does that make us less humans or stupid enough not to love someone? No, it doesn't. It just implies that we are more human. It is delusional to think that you will not be hurt by someone just because you are in love. Neither should you stop believing in love because you have been hurt by a loved one.

     To be able to love means to be able to forgive, not just forgive but also forget. Forgiveness goes hand in hand with love. Without forgiveness, one cannot truly embrace the depth of love. While it may seem cool to shut those who have offended you out of your life, it is easier to give them a forgiving pat and forget that they once made a mistake. No one is incapable of mistakes.

    The irony of holding grudges, resentment or bitterness against someone is that the person may not even know that you are angry with them. While you are busy fighting with your inner self whether to give them a call or send them an SMS or probably visit them r planning a sweet revenge, they are having a nice time. They may not be aware of your grudges and it may become embarrassing when they bump into you in the bar while you are hanging out with your friends, and you can’t share their enthusiasm because you can’t forgive them.

     Some people feel forgiveness should be justified when the wrong one is punished. Some see it as a debt owed and wait for the wrong one to apologize first. But love is not a competition.  For you to be free to breathe freely again, you just have to let go of the resentment and give room for acceptance.
      February is the month of love, it's St Valentine's day, a martyr of love. I want to implore you to make this Valentine count. Maybe you are still hurting from a painful break-up with a loved one, maybe your parents have hurt you badly in the past and this had affected your relationship. Probably, you caught your spouse cheating on you and you are finding it hard to forgive him or her, maybe your best friend betrayed you or you have a child who has been nothing but a total heartache to you. Whatever is the case, step out of your way this Valentine and forgive. Forgiveness heals faster than any other therapy because it erases all marks of pain. It gives you room to breathe freely. It makes you feel whole and loved again.

     It's just a few days to Valentine, go out of your way and get someone a special gift as an act of forgiveness. Don't allow pride to get in the way, you don't have to wait till they come crawling on their feet asking for your forgiveness, be the

first to do so. If you have vowed never to fall in love, let this Valentine make a difference, show some love to someone. Put a smile on someone's face and make them happy. Like the R&B singer, Katy Perry said, You are a firework, let your love shine this Valentine. Happy Valentine!